Hopeless Romantic

Not a damsel in distress who needs a knight in shining armor, and definitely not yours to rescue. So don’t bother, grow-up first will you? Just growing mustache doesn’t declare growing up. And what do you know about love anyway or loving a woman? I am more than just a puzzle you want to solve, so don’t misread your curiosity for that to be love.

I dare you to go dare wear your heart on your sleeve, risk getting your heart broken and be brave to love some more. Fall to rise and to fall gazillion times until you experience the fear of the death’s bed. And when you rise from the ashes, like a Phoenix – you grow (not old but wise). And this time to love (again), to witness the real love, the forever after love, one with a happy ending and happily ever after. True story 😉

In case you are wondering what that was about? Well, 1000 Vs 1…

Admirers, some stalkers too.
I’m sure everyone has their share,
I too got to witness few.

From those who brought me a land on the moon to those who wants to secure me for when I turn 60. Flattering! It’s great to have admirers, isn’t it? But think again, is it?

Be it 10s, 100 or more – that’s not the point.
I mean what’s the point right? When all you need is ONE. That someone who’s THE ONE.
Whom you can call your own, who loves you as much as you love them (maybe more). That special someone that’s truly yours; most importantly ONLY YOURS.

I don’t easily buy into crap but yes, deep down hopelessly a hopeless romantic I am. Don’t try me!

Love Compatibility (Cancer & Virgo) – Final (Part III) 

This blog post is a continuation of Love Compatibility – Part III (Cancer & Virgo) 2nd Phase and as the title suggests, closure of Cancer & Virgo.

Being on and off a relationship with this Virgo wasn’t a new thing. There was an interlude from weeks, to months to almost even a year. Here are some moments of reconciliation I would like to journal as a pleasant memoir.

Moment of Truth:

We were invited at the restaurant – one of his friend owned. Initially, everything appeared normal. But, as the evening went by, we weren’t speaking but our drinks started to. Unfiltered opinions without the fear of consequences were brought to the table. Most of us were opening up and being brutally honest which lead to deep conversation . A friend asked why would I distant myself from someone who cares about me so dearly? My response was: “That isn’t enough…when I know I’m not the only one.” She seemed infuriated to learn this. Facing a Virgo guy she said, “What’s IMP is not who loves you; but whom YOU love. You HAVE to make a decision.” She continued picking on him…..”WHOM DO U LOVE?” Situation got tensed…he then snapped. To our surprise, his reactions was instantaneous and loud…In his disclosure, slightly tilting his head towards me, he shouted “I LOVE HER”…There was a long pause – an awkward silence. We all had that look of not knowing how to react…sound of clearing of throats and hands grabbing their respective glasses to take a sip…After a brief pause this dear Virgo continued (in a subtle voice) “…and I respect her.”

An Unplanned Trip:

My most memorable trip of all was our trip to Daman via Tribhuwan highway. That evening after several excuses I’d finally agreed to meet him. It was an unplanned trip. I bet he too didn’t had an idea where we were headed. But, he was clear about one thing i.e making the most of a time; each time I agreed to meet him. He’d learnt by now that I was unpredictable as a weather (typical of most Cancerian). After this moment was over, wouldn’t know when he would see me next or if he would ever see me again. It was winter; late evening, driving through the empty road, beneath the clear blue sky. I was enjoying the unvoiced talks with the stars and the landscape were breathtaking. Periodically I would look at him driving, while his eyes be fixed on the road. And oh boi! Did he look admirable. He looked the most attractive to me when he had those RayBan on and was driving. “Love the men in action.” 😉 And as for the trip, sometimes not knowing where you are headed makes the journey more so pleasurable. This in particular is one of those moments to cherish a lifetime.

Connection Beyond Reasoning:

Once he shared his experience of a time when we were apart. Told me that he went to our school gathering. He was drunk almost to a state of losing consciousness. And then all of a sudden he heard someone say my name…Within the blink of an eye, he found himself sober (fresh and alert). He narrated the account eloquently in Nepali. At that time I found it hilarious. But later, I felt there was a deeper meaning associated with it. Guess he was trying to tell me, I had an affect on him and a strong one. Maybe he himself did not realize until that very moment.

We Were a Family:

After months of keeping each other apart, he contacted me and shared that he is leaving for UK for further studies. So he had a month (i.e if the results were positive). He didn’t say (didn’t had to) but I knew he wanted to spend the time with me (i.e prior to going abroad). And we did. He brought this cutie doggy to my apartment (I begged him to). The apartment brightened with his presence and dog playing around and I’d found full. I enjoyed cooking for him (although he complained he might gain weight), during weekends we tried our hands with new cuisines (home cooked). He would always offer a helping hand in the kitchen. We even had this little pizza party with my brother and my sister in law. Time just flew by and there came a time when the time wasn’t in our favor.

An Anonymous Call:

As you all know by now, I was fighting a battle with myself – what my heart desired Vs what my head thought was logical. This time it had been almost a year (the longest of all). It was during that time, I used to receive these text messages where the sender’s identity was secured. I bet there is way to trace it, but I never bothered to. This one time, I received a call from a new unknown number. Picked up and said “Hello” but there was no response. Said “Hello” a few more times – still no reply. In that silent moment, could hear sth in the background. By the sound of it – seemed like an auditorium / hall. I could picture it as a classroom setting with a thin voice of a lecturer in the far background. I knew this Virgo guy was enrolled in MBA classes, but wasn’t sure about the timings. And this call was made between 7-8ish p.m. While on the phone, had a gut feeling – was him. But, I can only assume, coz I never confirmed. Just few minutes after hanging up, i received a text message that read “You are a beautiful chapter in my life. I’ll cherish the moments spent together forever” OR something along those lines.

I can go on and on about the euphoric moments shared with this Virgo guy; to an extent to even publish a book – no kidding! We shared many things in common, but had our differences too. Despite and against all odds he made an earnest effort to keep finding his way back into my life. This on and off continued for years (have lost count tbh). There was a time when I felt strained off my energy and distracted from my goal. I wasn’t that girl anymore who would dream of a happy home. My priority had switched to being independent and financially strong. So we ended once and for all. And just like that Pisces guy, he too was back with an offer (in fact recently). But what he was offering was different. A partnership, yeah sure! Not in love, but in biz.

Wow! I’m thinking my love life could make a good series for “How I Met Your Father” lol 😉 i.e If I ever were to get married and I highly doubt that – not happening. But again, you know what they say about ‘Never Say Never.’

Next: Lets Talk About Crush 😉 and what all those men shared in common.

Love Compatibility (Cancer & Virgo) – Part II

This blog post is a continuation of Love Compatibility – Part III (Cancer & Virgo) 1st Phase.

The drink got me weary and my head was spinning so we decided to head home. He hold my hand and we walked towards the car park, hopped in his SUV. While seated upright I leaned my head against the seat and closed my eyes to relax. He closed the door on my side, walked round semi-circling the car to the driving seat. It was late, just two of us, waiting for rest of his folks to arrive. There was a pin drop silence, nothing awkward, very calm indeed. He then leaned towards me. At first I thought he must be helping me adjust my head so I was comfortable (he did just that and also) …… (u know). Wow! Wat just happened? I did not know how to react but I wasn’t mad either; coz it felt so right. What a great opening to a new year. So many shift within one evening: from no attraction, to a spark that ignited new feelings. From friends to no longer just friends (kiss rule broke that).

I did not want to dwell upon what had happened and most importantly I did not want to be attached. He’d come into my life while I was still recovering. My recent past had torn me apart. Maybe its one of the reason why this relationship couldn’t blossom to its full potential because I did not allow it to. I was struggling to love again; trust again. I know he was no stranger but I was scared. So I got on with my regular routine: work – home – back to work. Since I was working in a call center at that time, our routine was upside down and I took a breath of relief that he wouldn’t be able to catch up with it, but was i wrong?

Late evening, I got up and was getting ready for work as usual. Always in a rush, coz that one more minute of sleep meant heaven for someone who worked odd hours. Office van was at my gate blowing its horn. I quickly grabbed my bag and a phone and gosh my blackberry’s call log was red with missed calls and a text message – it was him. I used to keep my phone in silent mode. Why? Because of my work timings (slept during the day). Dark curtains alone wasn’t helpful and my human ear wasn’t designed with a noise cancellation feature haha. So the least I wanted was a ring tone interruption. Nothing like sleeping at night, but I had chose that life so no complaints.

Got caught up or say, kept myself as busy as I could. It was days and I hadn’t responded to his text. I was expecting him to give-up and continue with his life. Instead, he’d called my mum’s cell (bet he thought that was my other number). Damn, you universe – I’d used mum’s cell once to call him bcoz I was running out of charge and I had to give him a direction so he could pick me up on that new year’s eve.

So my mum gave me a message that I need to call this friend of mine and sort whatever is. She also shared that he did not want to believe when she said that – she was my mum lol. Now, either he was in denial / me and mother sound very much alike over the phone. Thank god I have a mother who’s a friend – she understands. So now, I had no choice but to call him back and I did. One ring and he answered; he sounded so alive n excited that I did not have the heart to kill it with whatever was going on inside my head. Said he wanted to take me out and I agreed.

We started spending more time: Movie dates, followed by fine dining. I even invited him to my office parties. Oh, boi! Call center had the craziest parties at that time. We worked hard and partied harder; it was our escape – way of socializing as otherwise we were so cut off from those who lived a day life. To my surprise we both found that middle-ground despite he living a day life and me otherwise.

Man of few words, but his actions were so charming. With all those little but consistent romantic gestures my heart would want to open up to him (fully). I recall a moment when he took me out for a dinner. I would like to call it a Sufi Night. So here we were, Ghazal Ghar kindda setting – lady at the stage singing a romantic song with a voice so soulful. We were seated on a table for two. I was siting opposite him but had my body slightly slanted in a direction to face the singer. Concentrating on the verse and the singing, I had my eyes fixed on the stage until the song was over. And just when i turned to face him; I caught him looking at me – admirably. More of dinner date followed, sometimes at Tamarind when Hemant Rana would be performing and other times some place else.

It sounds weird i know and I’m not romanticizing but often we could communicate without speaking. For an instance, the way he looked at me told me a lot about how he sees me / feels about me. In a very early days of our relation he trusted me with his weakness and I never judged him; in fact I appreciated his effort to be a better man. He knew my insecurities but he accepted me for who I was. He wouldn’t speak a word but, I would instantly know what he is thinking / wants. This chemistry in particular worked well when we traveled together. Speaking of travel, different people might have their own technique to understanding a person and their compatibility: some judge by a person’s smile and some by moving in together. My trick of a trade to understanding a person / compatibility is to travel with them (long travels) and see how they react when faced with different circumstances: specially when they are out of their comfort zone / routine, away from the title and the hierarchy set forward by the urban society.

Tragic flaw:

We were compatible (no doubt) but no where near was our relationship perfect. Perfection would be a mere lie anyways. He came with his own baggage so heavy that I would doubt if I have the energy to drag that along into my life. That load weighed heavily on me and slowed me down at times, but I paused to recollect my energy and continued moving on to as far as I could.

We both had different approach to secure our heart / deal with our fears. I was afraid to get used to him, fall so deep in love coz that would mean a lot of pain. So reluctantly time and again I would shut him out although my heart would yearn to be with him. He on the other hand had a weird way to find full. He wouldn’t want me to find out but wouldn’t lie when asked. And learning this reality and living with it was killing me.

In my previous relationship with Pisces guy, everything seemed surreal but it lost its essence when truth was revealed. So then, I asked the almighty that I better live a moment of happiness that’s authentic than a lifetime of fantasy that’s fake. And with this new Virgo, I guess universe in its own approach was welcoming me to the real world. So I dare not curse a reality bcoz the fantasy had cost me a great deal already.

Despite those bitter truths; I’m surprised my heart never scorned him. And who was I to question when he was honest about it right from the very beginning. It was out of my control to stop loving him but I could choose to walk out from his life and therefore i did. But what seemed to be an end was just a pause.

To be continued…

Love Compatibility (Cancer & Virgo) – Part I

Cancer & Virgo

He was (wait)…He is a childhood friend 🙂 I have a vivid memory of him when we were in 7th standard. Although he occasionally corrected me saying that we’ve known each other since 2nd standard.

We were desk partners; we were buddies. In school most of the boys my age either disliked me or were scared of me for some reason. Whereas he was one of those few who was comfortable around me. And in case you are wondering why most boys in my school were afraid? Well, few teachers construed it saying, it could be for the fact that I was a primary school captain and with a domination personality. Yes, I was that. 😳

I changed school after my finals in 7th grade…lost touch with him and most other in that batch until after few years – we met at the party. It was a small gathering with close friends from my elementary school. One of my girl from that group insisted I come. And guess where the venue was? ‘Discotheque’ I know…Dammit we were in 10th standard. I still wonder what were we thinking? And we blame the kids today 🙃

I hated the fact that we were meeting there in the first place and I was surprised to see some of them acting mature than their age. At that point I was thinking to myself ‘thank god I’d changed school and now I had new friends. Sorry folks but that was me thinking then.

So my Virgo childhood buddy from 7th grade haha (I had to say it that way), was there at the party…one of the girl from our group re-introduced him n  I and reminded how close we were. She made that effort as I wasn’t talking to anyone; instead standing still staring at my childhood friends as if they were a complete strangers.

So the re- intro and we briefly exchanged a glance, he threw me a friendly smile and em….gosh I don’t remember returning a smile….Next thing I know, I stormed out. It was my first disco experience but not a pleasant one. I didn’t even bother saying anyone goodbye. Idk exactly what went wrong… Bcoz just a year later I enjoyed partying with friends…I guess, I wasn’t ready then? I wish I knew.

Years had gone by…I’d completed high school, was working full time at this call center; also dating that Pisces guy from part II (in case you haven’t read the previous post). And one fine evening, he pinged me to confirm this girl’s name whom he had meet in a chat room or sth and he’d recently figured out that she works where I work. So the chat started that way, we then exchanged numbers and thought we meet one day as it had been a while.

It was all very normal, old friends catching up, no spark nothing. He was never the type of a guy I would ever picture as my boyfriend anyway. Never was attracted to him in that sense all my life that I’ve known him. Although, over the past few years I did question sometimes – what connected us during our childhood?

To my readers: Let me warn you that with this Virgo guy there’ll be a lot of going back n forth in this chapter: from childhood to while I was dating that Pisces guy.

So, as I was saying we’d met once / twice and when I’d shared this to my then BF (the Pisces guy), he responded in a weird way. He was jealous for no reason. He never reacted that way prior to that moment though. It was as if he’d sensed the future or sth (can’t be). Upon seeing my then bf react the way he did…only then it triggered in my head and I thought “hmm…him? Nah, never! Probably the last person I would date, but then universe had different plans. You know what they say about ‘Never Say Never.’

Where it all began: 

Was a New Year’s Eve. Had already broken up with the Pisces guy by this time. I hadn’t socialized in months. I didn’t wanted to be alone on a New Year’s Eve and I didn’t even wanted to hang out with any of my friends who would remind me of my recent break-up with that Pisces guy. It was difficult; 3.5 years of gluing together where the lovers share their entire network.

So, next thing I know I texted this Virgo friend of mine, asked if I could join his group. He accepted happily; even offered to come pick me up. He came, in his not so little ride that was full of new faces (for me) in the back seat. They’d all dressed pretty for the party. Virgo guy was driving and his cousin sitting next to the driver’s seat was a chivalrous man I must say, who instantly offered me the front seat and rushed to join his folks at the back. Don’t we girls love that – I do. Little old fashioned but I like it traditional sometimes.

So we reached the venue. This pub was crowded, fun & noisy (obviously coz it was new year’s eve). I was interacting with his friends, talking, just having fun…This Virgo guy sat beside me / he accompanied me throughout. We were talking about all sorts of things, just then…I recalled how that Pieces guy was suspicious of me and this Virgo having some sort of spark back then (which obviously wasn’t true). But now that this thought from the memory lodged in my head; I couldn’t be at the present. I couldn’t focus on a word he was saying…All that time, while he was speaking I was thinking ‘What If’s’ …more ‘If’s and But’s’ and all those senseless mind jabbers…Holy crab! It wouldn’t stop. Was there sth in that cold air or was it the drink perhaps? lol…I somehow managed to bring my mind back on track to concentrate. Shifted my focus, adjusted my posture and looked at him…but this time – differently.

Next: Love Compatibility – Part III (Cancer & Virgo) 2nd Phase

Love Compatibility (Cancer & Pisces)

Aite! So the next in line is Cancer & Pisces.

Note: The compatibility is entirely based on my personal experience with each of these zodiac signs. So it may / may not resonate with all / most.

Well well well!!! This relationship was ‘out of this world’ and that’s no surprise when a cancer and pieces come together. He wasn’t obviously the most good looking of em all, but had that charisma. I can tell because he not only had me under his spell but almost everyone I knew: be it boss, colleagues, including lot of girls at workplace (not all but many). Likewise, my friends, family (even my mum liked him for me). He was all in all a very likable person and could instantly charm anyone. Should have known, that was the red flag (exclude the looks) and how can someone be so perfect?

He was a master of disguise, was very intellectual indeed but he’d used that to stir his wheel in the wrong direction. I bet he himself isn’t too proud about it, but now that’s his problem to worry. He was years older than me and we are talking 7-8 years gap here, but the connection was instant and chemistry was sizzling.

When together, rest of the world blurred in the background somewhere. From walks in the romantic rain to holding hands in the mustard garden (cheesy I know) but we were in that space; love was in the air. Precisely, I was living a fantasy; felt as if the universe was directing a romantic movie where we were on the lead.

Summoning those memories to mind gives me chills till date. Experience was great, but I wouldn’t prefer walking down that memory lane. But hey, it could make a great movie, was full of drama. For entertainment, its good but who would want all that drama in their real life right?

For that 3.5 years of a relationship, we would literally spend all our time together. 8-12 hours at work (since we worked together of-course) and to and fro from work and whatever waking hours left, we would want to spend it together – and it was very mutual. Spending that many hours together came effortless, like brushing a teeth / any habit that comes naturally to you which wasn’t tiresome even after years of being in a relationship.

This relation taught me a great deal. He had great confidence in me (more than I had for myself back then). He made me aware of my own capabilities, he made me realize my worth, showed me the possibilities of where I could be in the future. For years we were so tied-up together, I couldn’t even imagine that I could be complete alone / capable of doing sth of my own. Its a different story that it took me years to acknowledge that fact.

It was amazing how he could read my mind, complete my sentences, grant me my wishes without having to ask for it. But there came a time when that ticking of a clock wasn’t in our favor. Serving of our highest good we had on each other’s life was coming to a halt.

Time spent together was surreal. Like I’d mentioned I was living a fantasy…guess what? I was indeed and the reason why it was so perfect was because it was a lie coz of which we parted our own ways. Actually I did, he never had the courage to spill a word / face me. There were many rough patches which took years to heal but I don’t blame him. He was just doing his part that the universe had set out for him to play in my life i guess.

I continued living but I was having difficulty moving on, loving and trusting again. Even after months, some part in me always feared the fact that I would go weak on my knees if he would ever show-up. It killed me inside to live with this idea in my head that I might take him back despite his unforgiving act. I lived with this fear and pain for months to come which was weighing on me with every passing day.

Like they say “time heals all wounds” I too had my ‘One Day’ moment where I received an unexpected call – yes it was him. He’d called with an offer of love, requesting to rekindle our relationship and this time not as lovers but as a husband and wife…and my instant reaction (just to my thoughts were) “Seriously! Over the phone? “…And the words that followed in response…I mean I did the talking; but the words wasn’t mine. And till date it takes me by surprise. The words came out so powerful and spontaneous; was as if I was preparing for that speech all my life but then I wasn’t…I surprised myself, I wasn’t aware about my own feelings until that particular moment.

All this while I thought I would go weak on my knees but I came out so strong (couldn’t believe I had that strength in me). And as soon as i hung-up, bam! feelings (any) that was left – was all gone.  I’d forgiven him and most importantly forgiven myself for allowing him into my life and that’s all it took to free myself. A heavy baggage was removed off my back. I was free, I felt light and in a long time I was HAPPY.

Now, speaking of compatibility meter the ‘Cancer and Pisces’ pair can be all dreamy. You can find yourself in a Utopian world, but do you want that if it wasn’t real? This is like one of those marriage where a couple never fights and all of a sudden, there is a divorce filed.

According to astrology.com The Moon (Emotion) rules Cancer, and Jupiter (Philosophy) and Neptune (Illusion and Dreams) rules Pisces. Together, they create an idealistic, almost divine relationship, one that puts much significance on dreams and illusions. The nature of this combination offers a Utopian relationship – too good to be true.

Happy Reading -$hri§T

Next: Love Compatibility – Part III (Cancer & Virgo) 1st Phase

Love Is …

Love is not someone you fancy or someone you are attracted to. Love is not the one you are engaged with due to circumstances or even have babies with. Love is not even someone you marry-Come on! How many marriages that we’ve seen have lasted? Marriage has indeed become a business deal-a compromise.

It’s human that betray but love is innocent,It’s human that make rules but love know no rules.Love to me is someone you long to be with even in old age or someone you couldn’t do without during your childhood because love is most visible in the absence of lust. It does not desire sexual pleasure or seek financial gain. Love only knows how to love-Unconditionally!

Keep Loving !

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Love Is...

What I Meant Isnt Alwayz What I Said!

When I Say I Dnt Believe In Love ,I Actually Want You To Make Be Believe In One.When I Say I Don’t Love You, I Mean To Hear U Say “I Love You”

When I Say There Is No Such Thing As True Love That Exists, I Actually Wanna Hear You Say “It Does”When I Say Nothing Lasts 4ever ,What I Mean Is To Hear U Say “This Will” .

When I Say I Am Letting U Go, I Actually Wanna See If You Too Would Want To Let Go Of Me.When I Say Happy Endings Is Possible Only In Fairy Tales & Dreams, I Actually Wanna See U Make My Dream Turn Reality.

When I Say I Am Not Perfect ,I Mean To Hear U Say “2gether We Are” .When I Say I Am Strong ,I Actually Want To See U Get Down On Ure Knees And Make Me Weak.

When I Say I Am Betta Off Alone,I Mean To Say,“I Need Someone To Hold”When I Say I Am Complete In Me,I Actually Want You To Complete Me.

When I Saw I Am Gonna Be Just Fine,I Meant To Say “Its Gonna Take Lotta Tyme” .When I Say I Hate You,I Mean To Say “I Wish I Could Hate U But I Cant So I Hate Myself For That”.

When I Say I No More Wanna Live,I Mean To Say,“How Can I Live Without You”.When I Say Goodbie,I Actually Want U To Plead Me To Stay Or Even Cry.

I Know I Know! It Is Not Easy To Access Someone Else’s Unconscious Mind But That Doesn’t Mean It’s Impossible. Unless U Are Suffering From Autism And U Go“ My Name Is Khan And I Don’t Understand The Unspoken” LOL!!

What World I Am Living In? So Aware Of Reality But Still In Denial. So Caught Up In Impossible That Possible Seems Impossible To Me.Therez No Prince Charming!!Therez No Happy Ending!!Therez No True Love Or Happily Ever After!!But Again …I Believe There Is.

They Say It “The Only Way To Achieve Impossible Is To Think Its Possible” .So I Continue To Dream On And Think This Impossible As Possible.

  • If U Were Unreal I Would Still Accept My Fantasy Over Reality.
  • If I Could See U Only Wid Eyes Closed Than I Wouldn’t Mind Closing It Forever.
  • If U Say U Don’t Feel Nothing..Then I Would Say No Wonder I Feel 2wice.

Yes! Yet Another Alice And I Believe, There’s A Place Called Wonderland,

$hri§T

There’s A Place Called Wonderland!