The Sun & The Moon – Final (Part III)

This blog post is the continuation of The Sun and The Moon – Part II

After everyone had left I sat there alone in the cold to do some soul searching. Felt almost giddy with all the self-talk that was leading to no action. Therefore, to get through with it once AND for all, I grabbed my phone and typed the 1st thing that popped in my head and pressed send. I know it’s a bit disappointing to let those feelings out via text message and that too without giving it much thought. Especially after all that effort to get to where he was. However, just so I am not too guilty I seek solace in a fact that the attempt did not entirely go in vain; it at least provided an opportunity for a beautiful evening.

Now that I’d spilled the words, how was I feeling? How was I suppose to feel? All that I recall now for how I was feeling back then was – cold. When I say ‘cold’ I mean ‘cold’ in its literal sense and not ‘cold’ metaphorically. Enough of brooding, I had to stop torturing my body and get some rest. It was only when I was preparing to leave and had shifted my gaze away from all that introspection…I could see the first light appearing in the sky – breaking dawn. If anyone were to see me right then, a nocturnal or an early bird – who could tell? πŸ™‚

Just to give you a picture.
It had been 48 hours since I’d texted. No response was driving me insane. All that while I wished I could read his mind and hoping that he would say the words I wanted to hear. Although, some part of me already knew what his reply would be and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. So I just kept pushing my thoughts away, hoping for a miracle that he would say sth that would take me by surprise and prove my instinct wrong.

Can’t believe it took him 72 hours just to revert. Maybe it takes time, but that long? Just to reply? IDK! Well, he reverted with an anticipated reply, where even his rejection was darn polite. Good that my instinct signaled it right but too bad it wasn’t in my favor. Anyways, that very moment, to my surprise I was less hurt by the fact that it wasn’t positive and more relief with an idea that he’d finally replied. In my head, I was like “Phew! That’s all it takes, few words and hit reply – that’s it; how hard could it be?” LOL look who’s talking πŸ˜› Anyways, my emphasis here is on the communication gap.

Can’t help but mention that if you happen to be one of those readers who is interested in a cancer woman, know that cutting out communication with her is a recipe for disaster. Cancerians I know thrive on communication, be it connecting, sharing, bonding or healing. They need to communicate, express, exchange thoughts and ideas, but if you shut them out; sooner you’ll find yourself on the other end of the door and out of their life. Oops! I either gave you a suggestion or disclosed a tip on how to get rid of Cancerians πŸ˜‰

I thought I was cool to be handling it so well but soon that moment passed and then the reality hit me hard. It started to hurt. I had not signed up for it, at least not at this point of my life. All these years I was successfully hiding my heart away and now I was back to square one. I was in a place where I hated myself to see. It made no sense. I mean if it’s not mutual then why does the feeling arise in the first place? Why does our heart beat for someone if they’re not the one? Why does it have to be so complicated? Now, how could I stop my heart from feeling the way it was feeling?

One moment I was bombarding the universe with questions and the next moment I was consoling myself. Was trying to pacify my own emotion rephrasing my definition of love out loud in my head. “Loving someone does not necessarily mean we need to have /be with that person coz that would just signal being needy; neediness comes out of desperation, not love. Loving means to simple love without wanting anything in return and wishing them well. Freeing them (if need be) and by doing so we free ourselves coz letting go is moving on.” Damn those words, sounds godly, doesn’t it? But did it work? Nah! I wish it did. Easier said than done eh?

Weeks went by, but the pain didn’t. I did not want to acknowledge the fact that this was even close to love. I for sure didn’t want to fall in love with him especially if he did not feel the same way. He didn’t (I think) and there was nothing I could do to make him fall in love with me. There’s nothing he / anyone else could say/do to make me stop loving him. “This is just an attraction, an infatuation, it will fade away before I know it – I know it will. No, this can’t be love, how can it be?” I assured myself saying this repeatedly. But if this wasn’t what I wished it wasn’t, then why did it hurt like it was? That rhymed – great! Which reminds me of the song by Paloma Faith – Only Love Can Hurt Like This.

Months had gone by and I was hoping against hope that the wheel of fortune would take a drastic leap in my favor, helping me either fade my feelings towards him (yeah, I was being a lil selfish) or arise a feeling in him – for me. I was very much attuned to the reality yet so detached from the truth. All this while, I was silly for wanting to hear him say all that he never said; in that sense, I was hoping for him to say the things he never felt. I don’t blame him, he wasn’t even aware of the battle I was fighting with myself. Neither he nor did any of my close colleagues at work had the slightest clue. In fact, since day one they thought and they told me that there might be some attraction from his end, but only I knew (was actually the other way round).

Had to be a good girl and do the right thing, give our friendship a chance coz that was the only way I could keep him near. Amidst all, secretly hoping for this feeling to fade away with time. Praying for the same thing every night I went to bed and hoping that with new morning either I would change or he would (in both of our favor). I tried and tried until that one day…when suddenly he shut me out. Either that or he shut himself out – does it matter? It’s the same thing I guess. He built the wall so high that I couldn’t reach him, let alone communicating directly.

Oh dear lord! This signaled he had easily given up on me. His assuring words, his faith in me and trust – all seemed to be just mere words. Now I had no reason for why I should stay (either in that place or his life altogether) coz I wasn’t needed. I felt unwanted and that is a terrible feeling, especially if it’s coming from someone you really care about. His magical words of reassurance and sense of humor – all that he said did not matter anymore because his action spoke louder.

In almost a month we hadn’t spoken properly and em….one day I announced my last day at work. I kept it a very low profile, just handful of people knew (including him of course). Just when moving on was the only choice I had, moving away wasn’t an option either. I could stay (at least in his life) but that’s not what the universe demanded at that point of time. So on my last day at work (just about an hour before my exit) –  IDK what happened, he gave that one last attention. I was walking towards the door to get to the pantry, just then he came walking from the other room (was a coincidence). He was just a few steps behind me. If he too was headed towards pantry, I for sure didn’t want my last day with him to be awkward. I would happily initiate a talk but would he want that, was my question. So I slowed my pace as if to pick up a tissue on the table right next to the door; as an excuse to allow him to walk past me. Also, to avoid any interaction. He walked past, and as he extended his hand to grab hold of that door (to open) … I wasn’t expecting this but…he swiftly turned around facing me (I was right behind him). He stood still for a brief moment, looked at me and slightly tilted his head with a quick flick upwards as if to say ‘hello’ and that my friend came with a subtle smile. Bingo! Haha

It had been a while since he was so gentle with his words and demeanor towards me. He’d always been gentle with me but then the last few weeks – he wasn’t. Anyways, to think about it now there was really no need for him to make that gesture. I bet if it was any ordinary day – he wouldn’t but that day he did for some weird reason ( I would never know). Either he was happy that I was leaving lol – which I would like to believe is not the case OR he was simply being nice, his idea of farewell I guess.

When we exchanged a brief glance, that moment was rapid but within those fraction of a second, there was a lot of reciprocating without the mere use of words. Words unspoken, some unheard or perhaps overheard. Maybe, I was hearing way too much than that was being said haha. No! When it comes to feelings, I trust my instinct more than anything. So what I felt was definitely true and if it wasn’t I would like to believe it was. Spare me will you? Enough of heartache already – let me make peace with what I choose to believe at least.He always told me that I tend to think a lot, in fact, according to him ladies (in general) tend to think a lot. But he was wrong “I don’t think a lot it’s just that I feel way too much.” 

Damn that gaze was such that – as if he was looking at me like he is never going to see me again. It was winter then and it’s spring now. That eye contact is deeply rooted in my memory like it happened yesterday. That was my last encounter with him and probably the last image I have of him.

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The Sun and The Moon – Part II

This blog post is the continuation of The Sun and The Moon – Part I

So where were we? Oh yeah at the bar which was buzzing as busy as bees. We were chitchatting all sorts, can’t even recall what in particular we were talking about. For me, his company was all that I could ask for. I was trying to live a life in that moment which was unfolding quick and time was flying within the blink of an eye. Was past midnight but we agreed to walk all the way back. Away from the buzz once we stepped outside, the setting and the lighting seemed perfect. It was a bit chilly but a refreshing breeze, the smell of an earth and wiped off clear view after the rain was inviting. We walked leisurely passing by the beautiful lake. Walking alongside him through the avenue under the glaze of a moonlight, along the starry night – made it ever so surreal. Wait! Hold that thought right there. Relatable to the moment from the movie ‘La La Land’ where Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling’s were walking and dancing against the starry night? You wish πŸ˜‰ 

La La Land – Lovely Night
And we’d reached…think we would call it a night? Nope, instead, we decided to hang out in the veranda for a bit. It was freezing cold, wasn’t like we were accompanied by some comforting drinks, sipping it leaning over a cozy sofa – nope. Although I wished that was the case but the fact that it was too late for a normal human to be still awake; hence no one at the service. However, against all odds, we chose to spend that time together, whereas supposedly it would have been an easy pick for him to be in the comforts of his quilt – napping; especially when he only had an hour or two before hopping on that long ride back to the city. Yet, he chose to compromise his sleep and comfort. And I was there, all pleased to find myself in his company. For sure I wouldn’t have replaced that moment for no amount of riches. Deep down I truly wished the night would never end.

A Leo man and a Cancer woman
Our voices were the only sound disrupting the silence of the night. Lips were moving but it was eyes that for me did most of the talking. I hadn’t said THE WORD but I assumed he heard it; he hadn’t responded but I assumed I knew what his response would be. What I was picking from the energies, now wasn’t in my favor. For me, the dawn with it brought the end to my fantasies. I wouldn’t dare want to ruin the moment by confirming to it thus I decided to leave it unattended and silently returned to my room.

My friend who is a Sagittarius sun is my reality check, especially when I’m all dreamy. We both have very different approach to things and life in general. Our friendship stands the test of time; it wasn’t all smooth sailing during the initial stage though. But now, it has flourished into a deep bond which can only get stronger. Since she noticed that I wasn’t getting to the point and in despair before even spilling the words out, she stepped up to the plate and started interrogating him. She did so, with an intention of finding the probability of him liking me back. And most importantly if he was the suitor type. Clearly, under her judgment, she proclaims that he failed the test. Ouch! That hurt but I do trust her verdict (especially now more than ever); because she has witnessed my patterns; seen the red flags loud and clear and had warned me. Despite her forewarning, I always did what I thought was right at that time, only to realize years later that she was right. Well, I blame it on my amygdala for taking a little nap πŸ˜›

While they both were in the flow of deep conversation: one seemingly interviewing and the other happy answering; I returned, stood there at a distance watching them in delight. The sight was adorable, although a bit silly to be debating at almost 3 in the morning haha. But again, soon to my surprise, I found myself simply standing there unresponsive. All of a sudden I was ridiculously quiet, not even wanting to be a part of their conversation. One moment I was all smiles and the very next moment I was sad.

Yes, we live with it; not by choice but thanks to the tides.
What happened to me all of sudden if you may wonder…as mentioned earlier I’d picked up a clue that he was about to break my heart. More I acknowledged this fact, more I was hurting. My mind went in denial and my body became stiff. My friend and him – having that conversation, it blurred somewhere in the background. I was so numb that even when he leaned towards me to hug me goodnight I did not hug him back (I wish I had but I didn’t). I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn’t even see him coming towards me. That brief second I was like this dead person standing still simply watching him walk past me. Took me a couple of more cigarettes to realize that – that’s it, he’s gone. Now, will I ever get to relive this moment – with him by my side? Will I ever have the courage to actually say the words? Were my feelings playing tricks or guarding me as my saving grace? If I were to propose would he really decline my offer as I assumed he would? Was my friend right; was this for better? OR was I missing out on something beautiful?

To be continued…

The Sun & The Moon – Part I

This blog post is a continuation of ‘Let’s Talk About Crush.’

Final in line is crush # 3 ‘Mr. Leo.’

What can I say about this king of the jungle? Fierce lion 🦁 for sure but also a cute kitty you want to cuddle (don’t take this in a literal sense though) πŸ™ƒ

Before I begin, just a little heads up for my readers. Don’t expect me to elaborate on the compatibility between Cancer women and Leo men or unravel the mystery behind these two opposing celestial bodies. However, in my endeavor to keep you all entertained, I have posted some fun facts about these two zodiac signs in between .

Please note in this blog post, I will only be speaking from my own experience based on my interaction as a moon πŸŒ™ sign with a Leo. Do bear in mind this tale tells only one side of the story i.e from my perspective.

How it all began?

We’d 1st met back in 2014 (was strictly business). Little did I know that I would be contemplating few years down the line to mention this person in my blog. Back then he was just some random guy who had found me via LinkedIn and we’d met once or twice to discuss the opportunity he had to offer. During our 1st meet: The say on the pay wasn’t on concord. In the 2nd meet: I wasn’t ready so ended up being more of a counseling session where I shared few HR tips. During the 3rd meet: This time I’d contacted him to check if they still had any opportunity that suited my profile. To which he readily accepted and scheduled a meet thus we were here at one of my favorite restaurant in town having a pleasant conversation.

After tossing some ideas around we found our happy medium and voilΓ  – they welcomed me aboard. I was offered an entirely new role, was a new field and a new industry. Well, if one were to review my job profile, no two preceding and current role match anyways. Nope, not fickle, rather I’ve always preferred working outside my comfort zone. Some call it daring but, could be easily mistaken for a foolishness too. I don’t care what others say, all I know is it’s fun to dare and play foolish sometimes. So, speaking of a new role being offered – was a challenge no doubt but that wasn’t really a new thing for me.

AHA MOMENT

Of all the thoughts and zillion words we’d exchanged that afternoon during the final meeting before selection…it was what I consider his bold statement, where he interestingly summed up his perception for why he was hiring me….and it was those words that led a subtle spark to how I feel about him today. As soon as he completed his sentence I was dumbfounded; literally, there was a brief pause. He said it with such confidence and intensity as if he’d uncovered an aspect in me.

The way he elaborated his reasoning was like a stranger summing me using words only my besties could best describe me with. This, to be coming from someone whom I’d met only a few times and known just professionally took me by surprise. Well! Either that or I was romanticizing but again – why would I? Why all of a sudden?

It’s insane to even going back thinking πŸ’­ about it. I don’t get attracted to people very often tbh, but that moment it felt as if a cupid had finally targetted it right and I was struck by his arrow. Damn Mr. Leo got me thinking my entire way back home.

By the time I’d reached home, I wasn’t the same girl who’d left home early that morning. I was all smiles; although I smile most of the time but this one was different. Why? It had a reason, even though I couldn’t say for sure what the reason was.

Fairytale Love
My Battle with Myself 

Moment of fancy didn’t last long coz soon I was hit by a reality – a realization. I knew I had to keep it strictly business or else I would ruin the opportunity provided.  I was battling with myself. Soon I started neglecting my feelings in a hope that it would fade with time. But I didn’t know then, that in the coming months my feelings towards him would only grow stronger. I tried obscuring my feeling from all for about a month and a half but the unuttered words and uncatered emotions escalated my anxiety – making matters worst.

One day, following my gut instinct, I just decided to follow him to wherever he was and tell him how I feel. Came to know that he was out of town. Do what next? I either had to wait for him get back in town or get to where he was and tell him how I felt before I lost the courage to do so. And just look at the timing, being the major festive season most people from KTM were traveling to their hometown. Therefore, I was having difficulty booking a bus to get to where he was. Do or die spirit got on me, I even attempted a flight ticket but no luck with that either. Then I sought help in Nepal’s carpool page (which got its popularity since Nepal-India border blockade in 2015); few responded but they rather sounded creepy. Moving on, there was no explanation why I was acting the way I did, like as if there’s no tomorrow. Holy sh*t I even dragged my friend on this last-gasp initiative of mine πŸ™„

After all those running around in the eleventh hour and back to back phone calls we somehow managed a ride; still I couldn’t take a breath of relief – not yet. Now I was excited πŸ˜ƒ Gosh I never wanted to see anyone this badly in the last few years. Me and my bestie, off we were in our journey and oh boy! Tell me about the wait? Coz that ride felt like the longest ride of my life.

Finally, we reached our desired destination. In my head, I was like “Yay! He’s now only a call away.” But then again…I started fidgeting, losing confidence thus was struggling to make that one call.

All of a sudden I felt at fault, I thought it was a mistake – big mistake. I was wavering; thought I shouldn’t have come to where I am now, I shouldn’t have acted on a whim. Was having these second thoughts and how he might perceive me.

After a lot of self-talk, I took a deep breath thinking – what could possibly go wrong? I mean what’s the worst that could happen? He would reject me, I could lose my job or both, haha but at least I would not live in regret my entire life for not having tried.

I will be lying if I say that I wasn’t expecting a positive response. Heaven knows…it was after ages I could feel my heart’s desire to live (relive), give, trust and risk (even at the cost of being hurt). I had to tell him in person and it was now or never. I knew it was worth a risk because in ages I was acting insane (desperate even) so the only choice i had was to trust my feelings and set the consequences aside for now.

It’s crazy I know but I like crazy and it’s a known fact that love makes us do silly things. Wow! Wait – did I just said ‘Love?’ πŸ™„ I don’t even know what this is tbh. Anyways the point is – when in love my heart knows no bound, it either loves too much or doesn’t. It even loves to an extent of letting go (if need be) and leaving (if it’s for better).

Our ‘jab we meet’ moment 

So next thing, I was back in power so I grabbed my phone and notified him that we were here. We were probably on the same street but had to juggle through some hide and seek, as he was with his own group of friends (family). Meanwhile, my friend and I were enjoying bar-hop. Amid our leisurely walks, I was bumping into known faces in every corner; most people I hadn’t met in a while. However, my eye was only hoping to get one glance of a person I’d made this journey for.

I was afraid the evening would go by and tomorrow he will be headed back to the city. If that was the case, I wasn’t sure if I would be brave enough to tell him how I feel – ever again. But thanks heaven – he messaged saying that he want to catch-up, now that was assuring. But just when we were that close to meeting, there was a heavy rain β˜”οΈ which got us stuck to wherever we both were; had no choice but to wait.

Waited and waited some more. The evening had gone by, was past 9 or so (not sure). But just when I’d given all hope – there I saw him at the entrance, his eyes scanning through the crowd; perhaps looking for me. That to me was the most fulfilling and beautiful sight of the day 😊

He introduced us to his sister and he pretty well got along with my friend too. We talked all silly, drank, laughed, walked and talked some more. I was throwing hints throughout and If I’m correct he was smart enough to collect the clues and was reciprocating without the use of words…

Next: The Sun and The Moon – Part II

Love Compatibility (Cancer & Virgo) – Final (Part III)Β 

This blog post is a continuation of Love Compatibility – Part III (Cancer & Virgo) 2nd Phase and as the title suggests, closure of Cancer & Virgo.

Being on and off a relationship with this Virgo wasn’t a new thing. There was an interlude from weeks, to months to almost even a year. Here are some moments of reconciliation I would like to journal as a pleasant memoir.

Moment of Truth:

We were invited at the restaurant – one of his friend owned. Initially, everything appeared normal. But, as the evening went by, we weren’t speaking but our drinks started to. Unfiltered opinions without the fear of consequences were brought to the table. Most of us were opening up and being brutally honest which lead to deep conversation . A friend asked why would I distant myself from someone who cares about me so dearly? My response was: “That isn’t enough…when I know I’m not the only one.” She seemed infuriated to learn this. Facing a Virgo guy she said, “What’s IMP is not who loves you; but whom YOU love. You HAVE to make a decision.” She continued picking on him…..”WHOM DO U LOVE?” Situation got tensed…he then snapped. To our surprise, his reactions was instantaneous and loud…In his disclosure, slightly tilting his head towards me, he shouted “I LOVE HER”…There was a long pause – an awkward silence. We all had that look of not knowing how to react…sound of clearing of throats and hands grabbing their respective glasses to take a sip…After a brief pause this dear Virgo continued (in a subtle voice) “…and I respect her.”

An Unplanned Trip:

My most memorable trip of all was our trip to Daman via Tribhuwan highway. That evening after several excuses I’d finally agreed to meet him. It was an unplanned trip. I bet he too didn’t had an idea where we were headed. But, he was clear about one thing i.e making the most of a time; each time I agreed to meet him. He’d learnt by now that I was unpredictable as a weather (typical of most Cancerian). After this moment was over, wouldn’t know when he would see me next or if he would ever see me again. It was winter; late evening, driving through the empty road, beneath the clear blue sky. I was enjoying the unvoiced talks with the stars and the landscape were breathtaking. Periodically I would look at him driving, while his eyes be fixed on the road. And oh boi! Did he look admirable. He looked the most attractive to me when he had those RayBan on and was driving. “Love the men in action.” πŸ˜‰ And as for the trip, sometimes not knowing where you are headed makes the journey more so pleasurable. This in particular is one of those moments to cherish a lifetime.

Connection Beyond Reasoning:

Once he shared his experience of a time when we were apart. Told me that he went to our school gathering. He was drunk almost to a state of losing consciousness. And then all of a sudden he heard someone say my name…Within the blink of an eye, he found himself sober (fresh and alert). He narrated the account eloquently in Nepali. At that time I found it hilarious. But later, I felt there was a deeper meaning associated with it. Guess he was trying to tell me, I had an affect on him and a strong one. Maybe he himself did not realize until that very moment.

We Were a Family:

After months of keeping each other apart, he contacted me and shared that he is leaving for UK for further studies. So he had a month (i.e if the results were positive). He didn’t say (didn’t had to) but I knew he wanted to spend the time with me (i.e prior to going abroad). And we did. He brought this cutie doggy to my apartment (I begged him to). The apartment brightened with his presence and dog playing around and I’d found full. I enjoyed cooking for him (although he complained he might gain weight), during weekends we tried our hands with new cuisines (home cooked). He would always offer a helping hand in the kitchen. We even had this little pizza party with my brother and my sister in law. Time just flew by and there came a time when the time wasn’t in our favor.

An Anonymous Call:

As you all know by now, I was fighting a battle with myself – what my heart desired Vs what my head thought was logical. This time it had been almost a year (the longest of all). It was during that time, I used to receive these text messages where the sender’s identity was secured. I bet there is way to trace it, but I never bothered to. This one time, I received a call from a new unknown number. Picked up and said “Hello” but there was no response. Said “Hello” a few more times – still no reply. In that silent moment, could hear sth in the background. By the sound of it – seemed like an auditorium / hall. I could picture it as a classroom setting with a thin voice of a lecturer in the far background. I knew this Virgo guy was enrolled in MBA classes, but wasn’t sure about the timings. And this call was made between 7-8ish p.m. While on the phone, had a gut feeling – was him. But, I can only assume, coz I never confirmed. Just few minutes after hanging up, i received a text message that read “You are a beautiful chapter in my life. I’ll cherish the moments spent together forever” OR something along those lines.

I can go on and on about the euphoric moments shared with this Virgo guy; to an extent to even publish a book – no kidding! We shared many things in common, but had our differences too. Despite and against all odds he made an earnest effort to keep finding his way back into my life. This on and off continued for years (have lost count tbh). There was a time when I felt strained off my energy and distracted from my goal. I wasn’t that girl anymore who would dream of a happy home. My priority had switched to being independent and financially strong. So we ended once and for all. And just like that Pisces guy, he too was back with an offer (in fact recently). But what he was offering was different. A partnership, yeah sure! Not in love, but in biz.

Wow! I’m thinking my love life could make a good series for “How I Met Your Father” lol πŸ˜‰ i.e If I ever were to get married and I highly doubt that – not happening. But again, you know what they say about ‘Never Say Never.’

Next: Lets Talk About Crush πŸ˜‰ and what all those men shared in common.

Love Compatibility (Cancer & Virgo) – Part II

This blog post is a continuation of Love Compatibility – Part III (Cancer & Virgo) 1st Phase.

The drink got me weary and my head was spinning so we decided to head home. He hold my hand and we walked towards the car park, hopped in his SUV. While seated upright I leaned my head against the seat and closed my eyes to relax. He closed the door on my side, walked round semi-circling the car to the driving seat. It was late, just two of us, waiting for rest of his folks to arrive. There was a pin drop silence, nothing awkward, very calm indeed. He then leaned towards me. At first I thought he must be helping me adjust my head so I was comfortable (he did just that and also) …… (u know). Wow! Wat just happened? I did not know how to react but I wasn’t mad either; coz it felt so right. What a great opening to a new year. So many shift within one evening: from no attraction, to a spark that ignited new feelings. From friends to no longer just friends (kiss rule broke that).

I did not want to dwell upon what had happened and most importantly I did not want to be attached. He’d come into my life while I was still recovering. My recent past had torn me apart. Maybe its one of the reason why this relationship couldn’t blossom to its full potential because I did not allow it to. I was struggling to love again; trust again. I know he was no stranger but I was scared. So I got on with my regular routine: work – home – back to work. Since I was working in a call center at that time, our routine was upside down and I took a breath of relief that he wouldn’t be able to catch up with it, but was i wrong?

Late evening, I got up and was getting ready for work as usual. Always in a rush, coz that one more minute of sleep meant heaven for someone who worked odd hours. Office van was at my gate blowing its horn. I quickly grabbed my bag and a phone and gosh my blackberry’s call log was red with missed calls and a text message – it was him. I used to keep my phone in silent mode. Why? Because of my work timings (slept during the day). Dark curtains alone wasn’t helpful and my human ear wasn’t designed with a noise cancellation feature haha. So the least I wanted was a ring tone interruption. Nothing like sleeping at night, but I had chose that life so no complaints.

Got caught up or say, kept myself as busy as I could. It was days and I hadn’t responded to his text. I was expecting him to give-up and continue with his life. Instead, he’d called my mum’s cell (bet he thought that was my other number). Damn, you universe – I’d used mum’s cell once to call him bcoz I was running out of charge and I had to give him a direction so he could pick me up on that new year’s eve.

So my mum gave me a message that I need to call this friend of mine and sort whatever is. She also shared that he did not want to believe when she said that – she was my mum lol. Now, either he was in denial / me and mother sound very much alike over the phone. Thank god I have a mother who’s a friend – she understands. So now, I had no choice but to call him back and I did. One ring and he answered; he sounded so alive n excited that I did not have the heart to kill it with whatever was going on inside my head. Said he wanted to take me out and I agreed.

We started spending more time: Movie dates, followed by fine dining. I even invited him to my office parties. Oh, boi! Call center had the craziest parties at that time. We worked hard and partied harder; it was our escape – way of socializing as otherwise we were so cut off from those who lived a day life. To my surprise we both found that middle-ground despite he living a day life and me otherwise.

Man of few words, but his actions were so charming. With all those little but consistent romantic gestures my heart would want to open up to him (fully). I recall a moment when he took me out for a dinner. I would like to call it a Sufi Night. So here we were, Ghazal Ghar kindda setting – lady at the stage singing a romantic song with a voice so soulful. We were seated on a table for two. I was siting opposite him but had my body slightly slanted in a direction to face the singer. Concentrating on the verse and the singing, I had my eyes fixed on the stage until the song was over. And just when i turned to face him; I caught him looking at me – admirably. More of dinner date followed, sometimes at Tamarind when Hemant Rana would be performing and other times some place else.

It sounds weird i know and I’m not romanticizing but often we could communicate without speaking. For an instance, the way he looked at me told me a lot about how he sees me / feels about me. In a very early days of our relation he trusted me with his weakness and I never judged him; in fact I appreciated his effort to be a better man. He knew my insecurities but he accepted me for who I was. He wouldn’t speak a word but, I would instantly know what he is thinking / wants. This chemistry in particular worked well when we traveled together. Speaking of travel, different people might have their own technique to understanding a person and their compatibility: some judge by a person’s smile and some by moving in together. My trick of a trade to understanding a person / compatibility is to travel with them (long travels) and see how they react when faced with different circumstances: specially when they are out of their comfort zone / routine, away from the title and the hierarchy set forward by the urban society.

Tragic flaw:

We were compatible (no doubt) but no where near was our relationship perfect. Perfection would be a mere lie anyways. He came with his own baggage so heavy that I would doubt if I have the energy to drag that along into my life. That load weighed heavily on me and slowed me down at times, but I paused to recollect my energy and continued moving on to as far as I could.

We both had different approach to secure our heart / deal with our fears. I was afraid to get used to him, fall so deep in love coz that would mean a lot of pain. So reluctantly time and again I would shut him out although my heart would yearn to be with him. He on the other hand had a weird way to find full. He wouldn’t want me to find out but wouldn’t lie when asked. And learning this reality and living with it was killing me.

In my previous relationship with Pisces guy, everything seemed surreal but it lost its essence when truth was revealed. So then, I asked the almighty that I better live a moment of happiness that’s authentic than a lifetime of fantasy that’s fake. And with this new Virgo, I guess universe in its own approach was welcoming me to the real world. So I dare not curse a reality bcoz the fantasy had cost me a great deal already.

Despite those bitter truths; I’m surprised my heart never scorned him. And who was I to question when he was honest about it right from the very beginning. It was out of my control to stop loving him but I could choose to walk out from his life and therefore i did. But what seemed to be an end was just a pause.

To be continued…

Lets Talk About Crush

‘February, the Month of Love’ so let’s about love crush, but this is a story about an unrequited one. Three is the number and call it a coincidence or not; all these men shared one thing in common i.e they were all born under ‘The Fire Sign.’

Crush # 1 Aries

This was back in the day, saw him for the 1st time in SAT classes. He was quiet (of course he had to be as we were in the classroom) haha but quiet in a sense that he wasn’t interacting much. He seemed reserved to me, just doing his own thing, wasn’t talking to anyone. We all students had this single seater desk and chair and he was seated 2 rows ahead and spinning a pencil around his finger. That was a distraction for me O wait – was that an attraction? Haha.  Just kidding!

Was my first day in the class and probably his last, coz I never saw him after that (not in that classroom at least). Astounding, but all my in person encounters with him since then has been by chance. Few months later I met him at this Christmas party in Thamel – I instantly recognized him. Since then we became friends in social media and one day in a very playful manner, I told him that I had this huge crush on him. He responded in a very gentle way, that he way already taken. Furthermore shared that he’s not someone who chooses wine 🍷 over water. Nice guy but wait, “I am a wine now? Hehe

Met him a few more times (all random). Once, on the way in Durbar Marg and then at the pub in Lazimpat. I mean how many times do you bump into a person unintended and specially those you have an infatuation towards? Well, that can happen I guess, how big is KTM anyway. So! Let’s see if there are more of these happenstance in the future πŸ™‚

Crush # 2 – Aries again

We used to work together. No offense but trust me when I say, in a physical sense there was nothing appealing about this guy. Yet somehow after just few months of knowing him there was this indescribable pull I couldn’t resist. Ouch! I know πŸ˜‰ Then at a given opportunity, shared how I felt and dear lord, since then disaster followed.

Hardly a month of a crush and 3 years of a cold-war; now that’s a lot to pay for. I resented him for some of his actions – ones that didn’t make any sense to me and guess what? This feeling was mutual πŸ˜† We were these two opposite poles and I know they say ‘Opposites Attract’ which didn’t hold true in our case. I guess it was this difference that had attracted me towards him initially, but later we only repelled. He wouldn’t understand my language and I couldn’t comprehend his (you know what I mean). He misinterpreted my deeds, my intentions were questioned, my attempts were doubted. He’d be too soon to judge w/o even knowing me / putting himself in my shoes. He thought he knew me, but it was only him thinking that he did – which he didn’t of course.

It was bcoz of our strong incompatibility lol, when we used be in a room together I could sense this negativity and discomfort around (I bet he did too). I meant no harm but he always brought the worst in me. Damn! This momentarily infatuation gave me a hell lotta headache which now is in the past; gone with the wind for good. Thank god!

But on a brighter note, we both earnestly tried (numerous times) to break the ice, to try n understand that we are not bad people after all, just that we are very VERY different from each other. Our ideas clashed (almost all the time), perspective (never matched). But, it was due to our differences that during the initial stage of setting up an organization, it worked in favor of all. This opposing perspective gave rise to a new idea, projects were a win (those where we both were in) and effortlessly balanced and formed a solid foundation that any business (specially a start-up) would want.  And although I have a feeling that he wouldn’t agree (as always) but I see it as a fact and ‘The Big Boss’ is with me on this.

Our encounter was a learning curve for me at least. I learned that PEOPLE ARE DIFFERENT – VERY DIFFERENT haha and conflicts are good, differences in perspectives can be healthy – only if we know how to cater to it. To end a feud to our fight, we needed that balancing factor and thankfully we had one within the same organization. Fortunately, this person was wise and held the highest position of all. BTW he too was an Aries. No Kidding!

I am a strong believer of KARMA and have faith in the divine power of THE UNIVERSE. I trust that whatever happens in life; happens for a reason, people we meet are introduced (again for a reason). They come in different form / faces to teach us various lesson that life has to offer, in order for us to learn and grow as a human being. Its a different story that some are simply trespassers, some stick around for longer and very few stay a lifetime πŸ™‚

Next: Crush # 3 but not an Aries this time…click here to view its continuation.

Love Compatibility (Cancer & Virgo) – Part I

Cancer & Virgo

He was (wait)…He is a childhood friend πŸ™‚ I have a vivid memory of him when we were in 7th standard. Although he occasionally corrected me saying that we’ve known each other since 2nd standard.

We were desk partners; we were buddies. In school most of the boys my age either disliked me or were scared of me for some reason. Whereas he was one of those few who was comfortable around me. And in case you are wondering why most boys in my school were afraid? Well, few teachers construed it saying, it could be for the fact that I was a primary school captain and with a domination personality. Yes, I was that. 😳

I changed school after my finals in 7th grade…lost touch with him and most other in that batch until after few years – we met at the party. It was a small gathering with close friends from my elementary school. One of my girl from that group insisted I come. And guess where the venue was? ‘Discotheque’ I know…Dammit we were in 10th standard. I still wonder what were we thinking? And we blame the kids today πŸ™ƒ

I hated the fact that we were meeting there in the first place and I was surprised to see some of them acting mature than their age. At that point I was thinking to myself ‘thank god I’d changed school and now I had new friends. Sorry folks but that was me thinking then.

So my Virgo childhood buddy from 7th grade haha (I had to say it that way), was there at the party…one of the girl from our group re-introduced him n  I and reminded how close we were. She made that effort as I wasn’t talking to anyone; instead standing still staring at my childhood friends as if they were a complete strangers.

So the re- intro and we briefly exchanged a glance, he threw me a friendly smile and em….gosh I don’t remember returning a smile….Next thing I know, I stormed out. It was my first disco experience but not a pleasant one. I didn’t even bother saying anyone goodbye. Idk exactly what went wrong… Bcoz just a year later I enjoyed partying with friends…I guess, I wasn’t ready then? I wish I knew.

Years had gone by…I’d completed high school, was working full time at this call center; also dating that Pisces guy from part II (in case you haven’t read the previous post). And one fine evening, he pinged me to confirm this girl’s name whom he had meet in a chat room or sth and he’d recently figured out that she works where I work. So the chat started that way, we then exchanged numbers and thought we meet one day as it had been a while.

It was all very normal, old friends catching up, no spark nothing. He was never the type of a guy I would ever picture as my boyfriend anyway. Never was attracted to him in that sense all my life that I’ve known him. Although, over the past few years I did question sometimes – what connected us during our childhood?

To my readers: Let me warn you that with this Virgo guy there’ll be a lot of going back n forth in this chapter: from childhood to while I was dating that Pisces guy.

So, as I was saying we’d met once / twice and when I’d shared this to my then BF (the Pisces guy), he responded in a weird way. He was jealous for no reason. He never reacted that way prior to that moment though. It was as if he’d sensed the future or sth (can’t be). Upon seeing my then bf react the way he did…only then it triggered in my head and I thought “hmm…him? Nah, never! Probably the last person I would date, but then universe had different plans. You know what they say about ‘Never Say Never.’

Where it all began: 

Was a New Year’s Eve. Had already broken up with the Pisces guy by this time. I hadn’t socialized in months. I didn’t wanted to be alone on a New Year’s Eve and I didn’t even wanted to hang out with any of my friends who would remind me of my recent break-up with that Pisces guy. It was difficult; 3.5 years of gluing together where the lovers share their entire network.

So, next thing I know I texted this Virgo friend of mine, asked if I could join his group. He accepted happily; even offered to come pick me up. He came, in his not so little ride that was full of new faces (for me) in the back seat. They’d all dressed pretty for the party. Virgo guy was driving and his cousin sitting next to the driver’s seat was a chivalrous man I must say, who instantly offered me the front seat and rushed to join his folks at the back. Don’t we girls love that – I do. Little old fashioned but I like it traditional sometimes.

So we reached the venue. This pub was crowded, fun & noisy (obviously coz it was new year’s eve). I was interacting with his friends, talking, just having fun…This Virgo guy sat beside me / he accompanied me throughout. We were talking about all sorts of things, just then…I recalled how that Pieces guy was suspicious of me and this Virgo having some sort of spark back then (which obviously wasn’t true). But now that this thought from the memory lodged in my head; I couldn’t be at the present. I couldn’t focus on a word he was saying…All that time, while he was speaking I was thinking ‘What If’s’ …more ‘If’s and But’s’ and all those senseless mind jabbers…Holy crab! It wouldn’t stop. Was there sth in that cold air or was it the drink perhaps? lol…I somehow managed to bring my mind back on track to concentrate. Shifted my focus, adjusted my posture and looked at him…but this time – differently.

Next: Love Compatibility – Part III (Cancer & Virgo) 2nd Phase