Over! But not yet!

We’ve exchanged our bids and said our goodbyes, we’ve had enough and said ‘it’s over’ but guess it isn’t over yet. Something’s left undone but idk what it is. It’s an awful feeling not knowing what exactly it is that’s missing, that’s holding me back but definitely sth…

I thought I’ve made the right decision and maybe I have but it doesn’t feel that way. I guess I got what I wanted and if this is what I want than why am I not satisfied? If leaving him was a safe bet then why do I feel like I’ve failed? I think I did what I had to and I got what I wanted then what exactly is keeping me up all night? IDK whether to give a shit about the rest and run to him or to keep punishing myself trying to withstand my will.

It’s been a while I’ve seen or even heard from him but No! Indeed! Never had I seen him this regular and so upclose.Meaning! My sleep invites him all the time and he stays with me till the morning light. I did my part and I’d set him free but he wouldn’t let me go coz every night as I put myself out there to sleep, he comes close. Now that he’s not a part of my reality he’s made his way to my fantasy so I see him in my dream and very often. In that sense he is out of my life but very much in it. He’s not here but everywhere else. He is still there somewhere within myself and he stays grounded as though he owns me.

Every morning I wake up with the fact that he’s gone like a wind but every night I want to believe that’s true he comes hurling like a hurricane to remind me that “it isn’t over yet”. Truth is he does not exist in my physical world but otherwise he does. I try hard to go blank in my head as I prepare myself for a nap but each time I try, I only end up scaring the sleep away from the night, leaving me with unwanted leisure to think and keep thinking of someone that I don’t want to think about. I continue trying to sleep hoping not to see him; but every-time I wish to hope, it hopelessly gets unfulfilled.

During the day when in control and conscious, I’ve successfully avoided him but as the night breaks and when about to fall asleep, the conscious mind switches its gear to subconscious mode and that’s when I see him whether or not I want to. Willingly I may stay upright but unwillingly I go wrong. I keep my schedule tight on purpose to avoid thinking about him but unfortunately my will only works to a limit. I wish I could apply the same strategy to erase him from my thoughts too.

Not a single day has gone by when I haven’t thought about him AND IT’S NOT LIKE I do it on purpose(If only I had full control over my subconscious). I am trying to get him off my mind and I am tired for not being able to increase the pace for erasing his memories away. I want him to leave me, my thoughts and my dream alone for someone who is to come.

Isn’t it over? What’s left undone? While I am crying begging him to leave, why am I secretly wishing he would stay? Why even after not being here, he’s always there? Why wouldn’t his thoughts leave me alone? What is it that he wants? Or maybe this is not about him, maybe this is about me and maybe this is not what I want…Do I even know what I REALLY want?

They say time heals everything and sure it does. Getting over it, is not sth I can expect to happen overnight. It might take several nights, months or even year so I must remain firm in my intention. For now I need to give myself a little time to heal, to accept the fact, to learn to let go. It’s not an easy road but I also know I will get there someday. All I can wish for is that someday to come soon. I’ll be a fool to expect an easy way out coz I know “Only those who’ve seen the worst gets to experience the best. I’ve made it this far, now there’s no turning back. I shall continue trying to live without him. Past few months went by so will the years ahead…

As I write…I Heal …


Forgetting and forgiving is what keeps one happy

“Forgetting and forgiving is what keeps one happy.” I’ve always believed so and still do-now I agree even more strongly. Rephrasing it again … Forgiving part I get it but how do we forget? People often say-Forget the past in order to move on, that maybe true but how do we permanently erase it from our memory? We might have to completely lose our mind in order to do so?

Well! How about-not trying so hard just to forget, today or anytime soon? Can’t forget-don’t! Keep the memory, bcoz: if it wasn’t for all those mistakes you wouldn’t learn today, if it wasn’t for all those previous failures you wouldn’t be successful today.

There will come a day when with every passing time w/o even realizing those terrifying experiences will be gone for good. Give yourself sometime to forget but don’t take too long to forgive. You should not hold grudges because this life is too short to waste on hatred. Some wise man said-“Anger hurts you more than the person who upset you.”Wiser way out is to forgive. Assert positively! “That poor fellow was just a marionette in the hands of God, doing things what he was programmed to do”. Grant pardon! And let go because he/she did what they had to, in order to make you.

I strongly believe everything happens for a reason and yes they do. Life lessons come in different faces, some in blood relation while some in love relation. It could be your father, cousin, your friend or a boyfriend, could be anyone. Could be those you love, those you hate or those you simply ignore (or lets’ say those you try to ignore). Loved ones influence you and you hate those who disappoint you-Right? Well the trickiest part here is to get influenced by those who disappoint you. Think! If there were no pain you wouldn’t gain this strength today, if there were no heartbreaks you wouldn’t value what you have today.

Roads to Life are never too easy and it will never be bcoz they weren’t designed that way. It’s ok to fall-Failure is not those who fall but those who never step up after they fall. Like Mr Emerson said it, “Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”

I am neither an expert, nor intending to pass on hints or tricks on “10 ways to Let Go”-blah blah whatever it is. I am just an ordinary; sharing things that I have personally experienced while I myself am making mistakes, learning and healing in the process.

So I say “I forgive though I may not forget.” Things that they did and those whoever they are –shouldn’t matter. What matters is-what they did to harm somehow seem to benefit. Few instances as such-I haven’t forgotten. Even today, I often look back and SMILE … I Smile to see how far I’ve made it. I may be nobody but at least I am a better version of myself today and with every misery I only get better. Idk if there ever is gonna be “The Happy Ending” but I can proudly claim whatever is to come; I am prepared.

Happy Reading !

$hri§T 🙂

Dear …

This isn’t my first time trying to avoid being in contact with you, this ain’t my 1st attempt to end it with you but this time I’ll make sure it’s my last try. I’ve tried every possible ways to keep u off my mind. Trying to get distant with you wants me to want u even more but I’ve got to do what I’ve got to do. Now let’s not delay for it might be too late. Funny but here I am trying to end what we never had -It’s time to call off the relation unrelated. It’s funny I am about the break up -but when were we together anyway?

Too bad we don’t have any choice for how when and where we fall in love with whom. Feelings simply arouse and it does come with a prior admonition. I wish I hadn’t fallen for you but I dint had any choice here too. You are not that what I had planned but you simply happened.

I admit am Philophobic-I fear falling deeply in love; I fear the pain in love, I fear being the one who waits. I must let you go-I must. I know sooner or later you are going to leave so why not now? Leave me now so that the memories won’t be too much to forget, emotions won’t be too deep to suppress and tears won’t hurt too much when they fall. You’ve got option and you’re undecided BUT…I don’t want to be an option I want to be a choice, If not yours someone else’s so don’t want to waste your or my time.

I cannot wait until the day when you finally decide to dump me.I cannot risk my life for sth that I am not even sure about, and I am not sure about this coz you yourself are not sure about this. You are undecided and confused so that keeps me lingering. I don’t prefer enjoying the meal if that’s not on my plate. I better be content with my own share.

It’s true, we fall in love not just once and I was fortunate to get that second chance but this time I don’t want fall; I want to rise. Love is the only reason I chose to be with you and same should be your case. Love makes you “Do” and not “Think” but if you are thinking and still thinking that means, you are thinking of ways to lie (manipulate).In that case, why don’t you try your luck with some bimbo.

Not everyone can stop you from doing the things that you would do anyway. If not in front,you would do it at any chance you get (If you know what I am getting at?). You hiding and doing it and never getting caught is not the point-You not wanting to do it at all is the main point. You remain faithful bcoz you want to prevent her from getting hurt- that’s when u know you are really in love.

Someone somewhere is there for you like someone somewhere is there for me. You know you are in love when…despite all the freedom you choose to remain faithful, your concern towards another person’s feeling, you understanding her unspoken words, you prioritizing her protection over your comfort-That Is when you know you are in Love.There is no other feeling greater than falling in love and there should just be one reason to be with somebody and that is love.

Take Care !

Single Does Not Always Mean Available

  • Being Single I Don’t Have To Expect Anything From Anyone.
  • No More Sacrifices!!No Compromises.
  • No Fear Being Cheated, Deceived Or Betrayed.
  • Don’t Have 2 Doodle Around That Menz Store.
  • Can Dance Wid Any Cute Guy I See In The Club.
  • Can Take My Own Tyme While Shopping Or Getting Ready.
  • Dnt Have To End Up Buying Sth Of His Choice Just To Regret Later.
  • Don’t Have To Cancel Plans With Frens In Order To Be With That One Person

Now I Have My Options Open (LOL).Single Rocks: Single Is The Way To Be And Remember Single Does Not Always Mean Available !! 🙂


If Only U Could See

If Only U Could See The Person That I Am On The Inside

I Am Not Lured By Looks Coz I Know Looks Can Be Deceiving..What I Dint Knew Was That …Our Own Feelings Could Deceive Us Too..I Dnt Know If I Can Trust My Heart Again Coz I Did Once Despite Which I Was Deceived..I Dnt Want My ❤ To Go To Waste But All These Pple And Their Attention Is Just Confusing Me..I Dnt Know If They Really Love Me Or They Misleading Me? I Am So Much More Than The Person U See Me From The Outside..If Only U Could See The Person That I Am On The Inside? Do U See It ? No U Don’t!U Dont !! -$hri§T

Falling For The Impossible, Running After The Unachievable.

All This Time I Was Questioning Myself “Why Is It That I Always Fall For Some1 Who Seem To Feel Nothing For Me And Those Who Does Feel For Me-I Don’t Feel The Same Way About Them? Why??”

I Think I Know Now What Exactly My Problem Is. I Am In Love With Impossible.Sth That’s Not Possible Attracts Me,Sth That Seems Unachievable Lures Me, Complicated Relationship Challenges Me. While On The Other Hand Sth Obvious And Approachable Disinterests Me. I Can Clearly See It Now…..

I Am In Love With Nobody…I Just Have This Craze For Impossible. Moment Someone/Something Becomes Mine, I Don’t See Any Charm In It And I Lose Interest From It. Moment I Owe Sth It Becomes Worthless To Me (Not Necessarily That It Is Worthless)….And I Ponder! Does This Happen To Everyone Else Or Is It Just Me? I Guess It’s The Same For Most Of Us But Not All Would Want To Admit It.

So If U Are Committed, In A Relationship, Unavailable Or Disinterested In Girls (Me In Particular)…..BE AWARE!!………..Coz I Might Be Interested In You LOL ;)

Not That I Will Approach U But Chances, I Might Fall For Someone Unavailable And All I Do About It Is Cry, Write About It On FB Status, Create A Poem Or Add Up A New Journal To My Blog (Ehh).

No Wonder My Life Is So Complicated Coz Somehow I Myself Seem To Be Inviting This Complication And Enjoying This Drama In My Life. I Seem To Gain Some Sort Of Pleasure Out Of This Pain. Falling For The Impossible, Running After The Unachievable And Solving This Riddle Of Confusion Seem To Make My Life Dramatic….Grr!!I Have No Control Over It But Follow The Same Cycle Time N Again.

How Can I Ever Be Happy If I Continue doing This To Myself. My Disease Just Got Diagnosed…Now I Need To Find Out The Cure For It. Well, My Interpretation Might Be Wrong …..Prove Me Wrong-Somebody Plz – I BEG!!


Women Who Loves Too Much Needs Help ! :(

Source:By Robin Norwood (Psychiatrist)

Women who love too much are seeking the love that eluded them when they were children, either one or both parents were unavailable to them. The unavailability may have been due to parental personality problems, alcoholism , domestic violence or any other problems that interfered with parenting.

These women pursue men who will never make them feel happy.”Nice guys” does not fit the pattern of their past experiences so they fall for the wrong ones. The reason for their unhappiness is that they are forever pursuing love from someone who cannot or will not gratify their needs and wants .

In fact, some of the men they pursue are abusive, rejecting, cold, distant, sadistic, ungiving and emotionally unresponsive. Some of these men even make themselves physically unavailable for weeks or months under one pretense or another. Yet, the woman continues to pursue.
Source:Jaelin K Reece (Life Coach)

It is a matter of recognizing the pattern that you are following and the pattern is set during childhood. See in general. What were these men like emotionally? What attracted you to them? For example, if you are always choosing men that cheats on you. Ask yourself, Is there some part of you that is unwilling to commit?

You may believe that even if you do fall in love, you are destined to jinx the relationship, or be abandoned, or be terribly hurt.

You may fear the conflict of change and have a tough time,same as the one you had experienced seeing your parents separate.

Children of divorced parents often bitterly vow not to repeat the same mistakes. They want to avoid putting themselves and their own children through the same pain.
Source:Sophie Rinaldi(Author):

Women who love too much are those who give too many second chances.

Women who love too much are those who hold on to irrational hope that things will change or get better, even after years of progressive decline of the relationship.

Women who love too much are women who will keep giving and giving, without getting not nearly half in return.

Women who love too much are women who give up on searching a personal meaning for their life, whose main job is to build a pedestal for the relationship and their man.


Heart Loves Too Much But Knows Too Less