When I say they, they say I :)

Sometimes you learn a lot about yourself from others. “Others” either your own or no less than one. At times it takes you another biological body to understand your strength be it mental, physical or emotional.

Often an observation shines with clarity than just being. Meaning, as an observer; an outsider one tend to see things that we normally overlook (esp when it is about your self). Too much self-indulgence makes your ignorant, it narrows down your horizon and makes your perspective – limited. Therefore, a different perspective can take you a long way. Well!Not that I am saying it always works but sometimes it does and when it does, it does for better.

Today was one of those days where I came up-close with myself. I used to think I know myself better than anyone, that’s true but the other truth is, there are few traits in me I’d simply ignored not even realizing that I had these characteristics in me in the first place.

Well! We all must admit that we are changing every second, as we strive to adapt socially, psychologically and physically. Our priority change with time coz we change in time and change in fact is good; what’s catastrophe is not adapting to these changes brought about by time.

My friends and family points out my weaknesses but the approach is so motivational that it leaves me influenced where I leave no stone unturned to transform that flaw into strength like it was never a fault. You’ll be surprised that often your well wishers know you better than you think you know yourself. They know what you are capable of and be it pointing out your fragile side or boosting up your self-esteem; they do what they have to and say what they need to, not just because they love you but it’s also because they know you so very well.

I feel glad to be surrounded by the well wishers and friends and oh so dearly blessed to have my d and mum. All you beautiful people in my life, it wouldn’t be propriate to say that I have no words to express how I feel. Rather! I would say – words is all I have to show you how much you all mean to me.

An inspiration that your companionship provides, a motivation your words give, that extra mile I reach from your gentle push, and that trust and faith you have in me wouldn’t want me to let you down.

Its moments when I say “they can and I can’t”, they say that I definitely can when they can. They are my well wishes, my friends and family. Load and loads of love to all my lovelies! It’s because of you each day I wake up building new confidence and I say it to my new self “if they say I can, oh yes I can! $hri$T

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“Beautiful She”, My Mother My Best Friend!

She is the most beautiful person in the world to me: She, who has nurtured the child in me as well as influenced the women in me. She is Mother less more a friend to me. A friend who’s always guided me in the right direction, who’s wondered along when I lost track, who’s accepted me despite my rejection of her, who’s always been welcoming no-matter how many times I’ve left, who’s always been there when I needed her-even when I though I didn’t…She who’s never enforced her rules on me, instead has allowed me to learn from my mistakes.

She, whom I’ve never expressed my affection towards as much as I’ve poured my discomforts and dislikes, don’t know why sometimes nearness makes it harder to express things we want to. Words find no voice and despite the willingness we fail; I wonder why that happens. Why the urge to drawback from expressing adoration towards our own? Why end up sounding critical, when in fact wanted to show gratitude? Why so hard to utter those simple words that convey acceptance? Why withhold the positive emotion when there’s plenty more? Why do we often miss to see what we have and nag over things that we don’t?

Have experienced times when words are nothing but a mere mumble; more of all sustains in action. But other times when words and action both fail, what do we do? Luckily! When it comes to Mothering, “There’s less expectation and more an acceptance”. When you have no one else to run to, she is not an option but the only choice you have. I’ve misunderstood her several times and there were days, when I thought she was negligent of me, but didn’t realize then-how neglectful I was of her. And now that I’ve realized, I want her to know: I do respect her for all the things that she’s given me, also those that she (didn’t). I have nagged and fought with her, have judged her, have cursed myself for judging her, have hated her as much as I’ve loved her.

She has a secret unlocked as deep as that of an ocean; she has them for she wants the best for the rest. Depth of her soul yet to be explored, she is the mystery unresolved, the more you solve more modest she becomes. Besides being a mysterious history she is indeed a bright future. She wants us to live the life that she couldn’t live; she wishes all our wishes to come true. In our joy she finds her happiness, in our success she cherishes her achievement, in our fulfillment she seeks her freedom. She always wants what’s best for us. She is my mother, more a friend in its truest sense. She is beautiful inside and out. She’s not perfect yet so, she is.

As it’s said, “Maybe god was too busy to answer all of our prayers, which is why he created Mother”. True! Maybe god knew he wasn’t perfect and couldn’t be there for all his children at all times that’s why he created yet another wonderful being; his counterpart “Mother for all”. She who brought us to life, who showed us true meaning of life, who taught us to actually live life and who has become our life.

She is most wanted when you feel unwanted, she whose presence you feel mostly when she is absent, she whom most of us take for granted in a sense, we always expect her to understand without making an effort from our part, trying to understand her. She’s been compromising since decades and we take her acquiesce for the things “she wants”. Have we ever asked “What she really wants”, even if we have, chances are she’ll confuse her wants with our needs, in that case, have we really made an effort to know what she really needs? Are the things that we want, really what she wants too as an individual? Do she deserve to compromise as always?

My point might not make complete sense to all but those plenty daughters like me out there, can feel my words as we’re the mere reflection of her. We’re the first to see our mother turning from mystery to a miracle; we’ve wondered how she does all the things that she does, so effortless it seems yet so much exertion it takes.

I have grown up adoring her beauty, envying her charm, aspiring her vitality, adopting her attributes, mimicking her acts, putting on her make-up, envying her collection, trying on her apparel, trying to fit myself on her shoes…But today I have grown up to the size where I’ve been standing tall on her heels and observing the world. Now I see, how “Beautiful she” has beared her entire life in these painful heels. Elegant as it looks torturous it feels, leaving up to other’s expectations while compromising own needs. Have grown up confused, in the society that says male’s a Macho but all strength acquired is through what others call “Fe-male”. “Beautiful She” definitely is not, Fe-for-feeble as “Fe” defines.

She is an easy inspiration, a courageous soul, a giver, a risk-taker. She who dares to wear teen even in her 40’s,she’s shrewd because she knows the best, liberal because she don’t believe in taking sides, accountable because she values every dime. She’s life of every party coz she believes in giving despite how she’s feeling. She who falters with the latest gadget(technologies), falls short to changing trend but she who knows all other things spiritual than these. She understands these techno has advanced but is trivial when it comes to true essence that makes life. These and others inexplicably make “Beautiful She”, My Mother My Best Friend!

$hri§T

Mom + Dad = Everything

“Whole is greater than sum of its parts.” No! This post ain’t about Holism or has got anything to do with Aristotle and/or Metaphysics.Not wholly related but partly it is 😉

Paradoxically, here I am comparing the whole with my parents and parts when separating the two. So rephrasing it I would like to say “Whole is definitely greater than its part”.

As a little girl I still remember how I used to love and adored my parents when together. I can still remember once when I was in 4th or 5thh standard, we all were asked to make a sentence out of a given word. I was given the word “Bird”. I made a sentence out of that for which I was praised in front of the whole class (That I still remember hehe). I can’t say with certainty but it was sth like “It looks beautiful to see two birds stay together, fly together, just be together.” The order of the sentence might be different but it was that phrase I had come up with.

Those two birds symbolized my own parents. IDK if my teacher could feel the in-depth sentiment but he sure looked pleased. He closed his eyes, nodded his head and made that Hmmm sound of appreciation…and I was thinking to myself (was that sentence, that good?).To my surprise I came up with that sentence instantly … You may think? “One very simple sentence and blowing her own trumpet ….” But to me it’s deeper than just a sentence. It proves how the environment @ home was effecting and influencing my thoughts..Philosopher not by choice !

Well coming back to the point and getting out of that classroom (lol)….Talking about my parents. As I was saying how I adored them when they were together. Now if you ask me “If separated the both, whom do you love the most? Mom or Dad? I would say “NONE”-YES, you heard that right, neither of both. To me they both lost their value when separated.

Let me explain that to you in rather absurd way or I say more artistic/creative way (haha).How do you draw a heart?? You draw the curved line from the top of the paper pulling the pencil in an arc as it moves downward. You than repeat the same arc on the other side making sure it’s the same size and shape. If I am correct you’ve just joined two sketches and gave it a shape of a heart right?? Let’s say u never joined those two arcs. You drew the left side and left it incomplete. Now picture how does it look like?? To me it looks somewhat like a disfigured sign of a question mark, isn’t it? One disfigured sign of a question mark and its mirror image when joined together solves all the answer (lol).Don’t yall agree?

Same goes for my parents. Combination of my dad and mom was terrific and their separation a disaster. Used to value both when they were together and now that they are apart, they both seem valueless to me. That’s why I say “Family just a showcase that too crooked”. When they were together I loved them both equally and now that they are apart I dislike both EQUALLY. It’s their life, their decision FINE! Marriage fails -ok understood…BUT WHAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN???

It hurts to see the most precious thing you’ve owned and you’ve ever loved break into two (Pieces? There are just so many pieces that its hard to tell if its just 2 pieces).I could go to any extreme to join them but they only repel .Even If I do join it, marks are still going to be visible which will keep reminding me how badly it was broken and what happens if u try to assemble all those broken pieces? You might get hurt or even bleed (that’s what exactly happened to me). Reverting back to my childhood is no fun (trust me on that).

I was flipping back pages from my old diary…back in 2005 I write: “I want to be a child again, want to be reincarnated in a fine family and the 1st thing I would like to change is EXCHANGE my mom and dad with someone else’s ” .I write: “Is this my life? If it is than I don’t like the people in it esp my near and so called dear ones”.Dec 2004 I write “ Dad tells me that he is gonna leave me like dog leaves shit ” (I don’t remember he saying that? Bad liar am I? I must have made that on my own coz I don’t want to believe it’s true.

If only there was a time machine where actually I could go back in time and rewind. I would than stop my parent’s separation. NO! I guess I would go further than that…I would stop my own parent’s marriage (lol)-Again Not Funny!?! But It Is……

• I was there the whole time to so them break and deep down inside I was unable to endure no more and like a wreck damn was going to break.

• I was there the whole time watching and learning all the shitty things that comes with marriage.

• I was there the whole time to see my perfect heart shaped love break apart.

As a child whom would I look up to when the only person u look up to as a child was acting no less than children.I was there lying and crying alone at home still longing for home(Sush D had left for US and my little brother was just too little and was still in hostel). So close to my parents yet so far away. FAMILY makes u secure but I was insecure.

My life has been a big joke to me and it’s funny how I make a joke out of my own life and smile all the time .LOL moments! Laugh out load till tears roll down… Now that festive season is approaching nearer, I only wanna run away farther.

My dad found his better half or I say it quarter half (lol)! Not funny? But it is funny C’mon!!Did he found the right fit to resemble a heart shape? I am trying to render it correct but to me it still looks like an odd shaped heart that can never find its perfect match (a daughter is speaking plz forgive her being inconsiderate, or don’t forgive I don’t care).

What do you do when reality is not how you want it to be? You escape from the reality and assure yourself that this world is perfect and everything is going the way you want it to be right??? NO! You don’t??Okay than! I do (hehe).Yes! I close my eyes and I pretend that everything is alright.

How and when did my longing started? Since when did this emptiness sheltered? It’s rooted deep within since as long as I can remember and this longingness can never be fulfilled I know.

Lastly, if anyone is reading this than note my words “Don’t believe anything that I have written. My life is perfect and my parents love each other dearly and they love me even more. ”

$hri§T

My Sister My Mother !!

D ! I was just flipping back pages from my old diary,like i do repeatedly (hehe)…That’s how i am so connected with my past. There bck in 2006 i had written sth about you.So thought of sharing piece of that writing on my blog …

I Write: “Now i am a better sister,a better daughter,a better friend ,a better person,and its all because of you ..I am just a reflection of you but still in a process of becoming you.”

“Everything that i go through you feel it before i do because everything that i am experiencing now…you’ve experienced it too”. And that’s why i say i am just an image of you.Oh lord !! “I am so much yourself” LOL !!

D ! You’ve seen the dumbest part in me and the creative part in me…You’ve seen me when I’ve looked the ugliest and when I’ve looked the prettiest (I THINK) Ehh !!…

You’ve seen the collages that i made and the songs i tried tantalizing in bed ….You’ve seen me dressed fugly and You’ve heard me pronounce shutter for satire..Oh how ugly Ehh.

You mean everything to me and i mean it when i say i mean it..I MEAN IT IN CAPITAL LETTERS !!

Was it Dashain Or Tihar?? I am not sure but granny(dad’s mom) had passed away and we could not celebrate or perform any ritual for a year but…despite which we all went to mama’s place at Maitidevi and i remember …just an instance-out of innocence maybe..sumu happen to put on that malla (AND WE WERE NOT SUPPOSE TO)..He did that and all our relatives were like “No No No” As though sky had fallen down..Poor my baby brother he was bewildered for he couldn’t tell what is it that he really did -that shocked the hell out of all. I still remember on seeing this how you rushed to the other room and bursted into tears…I was little too …I could feel it but i did nothing about it than just watching you shed all those tears..Awww I love u D !!Love u soo much.

Once i visited your college(WHITE HOUSE) with you..there was this guy trying to flirt…he passed on a comment on my cap(saying J-Lo Cap Or Whatever That he said)..and than you gave him that dead eye LOL….poor fellow..He was zipped instantly and couldn’t even dare to lmake an eye contact with you after that (Hehe)….

There are numerous such incidents ..this one is just one OUT OF MANY….that moment i thought to myself..Hell ya !Am i blessed and lucky or what? That’s why maybe i never longed for no1 when u were around…u left for US and than… from that day till today i am looking for THINGS….and questioning myself ..what is it that i am missing??…..Neva needed dad or mum,or a best friend or a boy friend…never wanted elder brother in place of you-Never !..Coz u better protected me when i needed…

You alone in my life played a role of a father-mother-best friend-elder brother…what could i ask for..but too bad…You left and so did all.

The way i want – i never get it – from others – the way i get it from you !

My sister is my mother…my mother is my friend..my frens are my sisies…and my sister calls this MAGIC !! Ehh

I maybe unfortunate when it comes to relationship..be it father-daughter relationship,mother-daughter relationship, or the least imp of all boifren-gurlfren relationship.For i still feel worthy and blessed for being gifted an elder sister like you.

BEFORE MY BIRTH…MY GIFT FROM GOD…WAS AWAITING ME ON EARTH…THAT WAS U- YES U – ❤ U D !

People say this world is selfish and life is all about give and take but through you I’ve learnt …there can be just give and give without expecting anything to receive…All you ever wannet was-what was best for us (i.e myself and sumu)….you make me proud..(Or lets put it this was:like sumu’s silly blunder – i say it too …D! you make me proud…Today, Tomorrow ! LOL

$hri§T

My Sister My Mother

Frens 4ever

Friendship Is Base for All Relations. It Is Indeed The Most Beautiful And Purest Relation Of All. It Is The Beginning Of All nD Every Relation And With Frenship U Gve A New Hope To The Relation That Can Come To An End. The Reward Of Having True, Long-Lasting Friendship Is Worth All The Potential Rejection 😉

Frens Are Those Who Know You Betta Than Ure Parents ,They Are The Ones Who Really Knows Where U Were Last Nite?What’s Your Real Age?And How Many Affairs You REALLY Had? (LOL).So Lets Celebrate This Most Wonderful Relation On Earth. This Day Is Truly Special.

Hoping And Praying We Keep Up With This Bond Till Eternity. Hope We Get To Share Our Dreams,Good & The Bad Tymes And Cherish Each Other’s Success. Hope We Grow Old 2gether And Watch Each Other Fall In And Out Of Relation Till We Finally Find And Marry Our Perfect Soul Mate. And Also Watch & Share Our Seeds Getting Older(Ehh).

When We Pace Back In Tyme We Still Be Thrilled With Those Flashback Upon Viewing Those Old Albums 10 Yrs Frm Now And Say – “Hmm!I Wasn’t That Bad Looking ”, “I Wasn’t That Fat ”, “Hey !I Had Such Long Hair”. “OMG! What The Hell Am I Wearing? ” (Was In Fashion Then…..Ehh).

There Might Arrive A Tyme When We All Be Retelling Our Memoirs As Bed Tyme Stories To Our Children,About How In Our Tymes These Social Networking Sites Were Soo Popular. Watching Our Children Gaze Upon Us With Those Puppy Eyes While We Tell Them Stories About How I Met Ure Mother/Father LOL 😉

It’s Not Necessary We Meet Everyday Or Talk Over the Phone, Send Sms, Quotes, Scraps etc Bcoz w/o Much Ado We’re All Still Friends. This Is Jst A Lil Effort I Am Taking To Wish All You Special Pple Out There w/o Whom My Life Would Have No Meaning. Happy Friendship Day To All My Frens..YOU-YOU-YOU-Yes All Of You….Coz Therez No Space For An Outsider On My FB Frens List.XOXO ❤ !!! ($hri§T)

Friendship Is Base for All Relations. It Is Indeed The Most Beautiful And Purest Relation Of All. It Is The Beginning Of All nD Every Relation And With Frenship U Gve A New Hope To The Relation That Can Come To An End. The Reward Of Having True, Long-Lasting Friendship Is Worth All The Potential Rejection 😛