Why do I write?

In retrospect, trying to figure out what writing means to me. How it really makes me feel? Why the need to write? Often I claim to have loved it. If it’s sth I love, why do I do it seldom? I think I know the answer :

  • When carefree or careless, I write
  • When hopeful or in despair, I write
  • When in love or out of it, I write
  • When in pain or healing, I write
  • When either sad or happy, I write…

Complete freedom to me comes with an ability to fearlessly express how I feel when I feel it. No drama, no games, I believe in being true to my emotions at all times.

Some are very protective of me that I write. They worry I give out way too much of myself in the process. While others are disheartened that I do it seldom. TBH, I don’t write or hold back for none of these groups. I don’t entirely do it for myself either. I write because I can’t resist the urge (when it comes); in that sense writing is more of a necessity than a free will.

While writing I come text-to-text with my alter ego. These words are not just my mere reflections. If I may say so, it has the life and soul of its own. Like a spirit, these words seek my attention and demand to take a tangible form. 

Writing makes me feel; sometimes way too much. There are times when I want to feel nothing and disconnect from the world. It’s then, I resist writing. But even then, more often than not, I’m always writing. But yes, I admit I don’t post as often as I write.

Despite the bittersweet emotions writing brings with it—it sets me free. It helps me heal better and faster. Writing makes me vulnerable yet strong and very much alive.

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Kurt Cobain once said, “I’d rather be hated for who I am than loved for who I am not.” My values and choices seem to complement that principle, more so, when writing. Writing allows me to be—myself. It brings out the most authentic self in me, often to my own surprise.

Through writing I confess my deepest fears to myself; writing enumerates my life experiences back to me. When having to deal with turbulent times and difficult emotions, words help me cope-up. It is for this reason, writing is my guiding light (has always been). Also, personally I think I express better through writing. Writing extracts the vitality from 8 years old in me and imparts wisdom from an 80-year-old in me. It feeds and nurtures both and all ages in between.

Writing embraces every aspect of my emotion. Writing to me is a form of my being. I AM BCOZ I FEEL, thus I write. I write coz I know, no other way of expression that feels so fulfilling and therapeutic. I write for all the reasons above and more. I shall continue writing as long as I feel, as long as I live.

How did it all begin?

I’ve been writing for as long as I can recall. I remember presenting a handwritten letter to my mum expressing my deepest emotions or at least attempting to—as an 8-year-old. While in 8th standard, I remember penning down thoughts about my experience on 1st day in school (new school). This write-up got published in a school magazine later that year—was indeed my first publication ever. When in 10th standard, I recall replying to a guy’s proposal, searching for the right words to decline, but politely. I remember having written a short essay as an assignment in high school, which earned me a praise from the vice principal in front of the class for portraying it beautifully. 

High school wasn’t even over, then came work. Although my first job wasn’t related to writing; I guess I never stopped. One of my ex-gifted me a notebook back in 2008 realizing this hidden passion of mine. It seems, he and many others saw it in me before I’d even considered it for myself. One of my bestie (Ujjwala) suggested me to start a blog; this was sometime in 2009. I let the idea hover until that day at work when there was no work. It was 2010 and I’m referring to a time when SM’s ship was sinking (the first organization where I’d worked). While there were many, killing time playing counter strike during odd hours, I seized that as an opportunity to start my own blog. Thankfully this attempt of utilizing time wisely in no time earned me a new job offer at ECS Media back in 2011. To my surprise, several others followed; in fact, in 2012 I received 7 or 8 job offers at once. I was under tremendous pressure to make the right choice. But today, I can say this proudly that I’d made the right decision by going full time with HLE (Home Loan Experts) which gave me the best 4 years of my career.

Coming back to ’why I write.’ Again, I do so, not to prove anything to anyone; not even to excel the art, but simply to express my thoughts and emotions with nothing but pure honesty. Although what I say may, very likely contradict from time to time but they are true to the moment when it’s being written. It’s like flipping pages of chapters from my own life (after having experienced it and learned a lesson ) I write, to move on to the next.

Happy reading, happy learning, happy writing. $hri§T

Love Letter to Myself

Dear me,

Where do I begin? There is nothing about you that I don’t know, but I think there are certain aspects within you which you are unaware of. So, here is my small attempt to bring you closer to the real YOU, I’ve always known.

Let me start by introducing you to yourself. The real you, is a fighter, is a go-getter, is free-spirited, a survivor, fantasy lover, romantic by heart, sensitive by nature, kind and loving, a beautiful creation who sees good in all. You are all that and a lot more.

There are innumerable things I love about you, but what I love the most?—Is your ability to smile despite the weather. I have witnessed you through your thick and thin and with each passing day, you only make me prouder. I respect you, less because of what you’ve gone through, but more because of how you’ve handled yourself in all those critical moments. Kudos to the grace with which you have overcome your ordeals.

You are more capable than you know, beautiful that you realize and deserve a lot more than you could possibly imagine for yourself. You are more worthy than you give yourself credit for. Your heart knows no bound when it loves, it sees no limit when it chooses to give and forgive. But what’s more important than forgiving others, is to forgive yourself. You have graciously been forgiving of others; all you’ve got to do now is to learn to forgive yourself.

You try a lot and try really hard. But don’t set the bar so high for yourself that the disappointment weighs you down. Mark my words ‘you’ve done well.’ Enjoy the success you deserve, but don’t sulk if you fail. Don’t distress over things you don’t have, cherish what you’ve got— from where I see ‘you’ve got plenty.’

You have come a long way and I know there is much more you want to achieve and you will. So dream! Dream plenty and dream big, but just don’t make your dream so big that reality seems small. I know, there is no dream of yours that you cannot fulfill when you put your mind and heart to it. But now, you need to put a lot of faith in yourself.

There could be ‘a calling’ or not, can’t say for sure, but what I do know, is that the biggest purpose of life—is to live it. So don’t allow these hefty make-believe ideas to rule over. At the end of the day, none of it is bigger than yourself. Don’t rush, let the chips fall where they may. Don’t be guilty of not participating in this crazy race against time. Instead, allow some time for your inner wound to heal.

Life hasn’t been a smooth sailing for you and it isn’t for many. I can’t guarantee that life will be unruffled from here on, but what I do certify is that—you’ll be victorious over any impediments’ life poses in front of you. You’ll overcome them all like a true warrior. I say this with confidence because you have the three most essential skills needed for survival i.e. Courage, Perseverance, and Grit.

Realize your worth. Find time for things that you are passionate about. Contribute to the cause that you care for. Give back to those who love you and never chase after those who don’t. Never apologize to others for being yourself. And last but not the least, never ever spend your time and energy justifying yourself to others.

You don’t need to seek validation by someone else. They don’t know your soul, they have not lived your life, they haven’t experienced what you have gone through, they don’t feel the way you do, or see the world from your perspective.

I don’t know anyone who loves the way you do i.e when you do decide to. The biggest heart I know deserves love for itself. It’s high time, bestow some love for yourself.

Happy Reading! $hri§T

A Year Ago Today, I Chose Life

A year ago today, was pretty late at night…like a nocturnal that I am, was on my terrace, as usual sipping wine and smoking my worries away, so to speak. I was thinking all sorts of things. My thoughts followed no pattern, some of it made sense while other’s were sheer blabber. Overwhelmed, all kinds of emotions were running through as I was inhaling the *&^th cigarette of my day and just then…something happened. I call it MAGIC, believe it or not.

Moment of Realization

Who would have thought, something so simple could be life-changing. That magic I was referring to, was my moment of realization—epiphany. Suddenly, all cloudy thoughts and noises inside my head got sidetracked, allowing this simple truth to pass through. I then asked myself, “what the hell am I doing?” I shifted my glance towards the two fingers that had clinched these cigarettes…not a word, I simply stared at it. I asked myself another question “Why am I doing this to myself?” And the questions followed “Do I NOT know it’s consequences?” “How did it all begin and why can’t I stop it?” “Can’t? or don’t want to?” “Who am I fooling?”

Where it all Began?

For all those who smoke, I bet most of ’em have had their own circumstances and reasons for how-o-why they’d started smoking. Mine was, out of curiosity. I was one of those who wanted to try everything, even if it meant failing measurably at it. What was rewarding to me was to get that one experience. But this curiosity soon became a habit, didn’t even realize how this habit turned into an addiction. It’s not that the thought of refraining from it never occurred to me, in fact, it did—several times. So why didn’t I take any action then?

Child Within You

We all have a child within us, some are innocent and others a brat. So what does a child do when they don’t want to give you something they like? They create a reason for why they must have it. Also, the idea of giving up makes them want it even more, whether or not they need it. More often than not, we as an adult are reluctant to give up smoking because first of all, we are addicted to it—admin it. Secondly, it’s an easier choice, which allows us to continue doing what we want to. Last but not the least, somewhere deep down we don’t want to, therefore we look for reasons not to—just like a spoiled child.

Don’t Make Your Fear Bigger Than it Actually is…

In Nepali we have a proverb that says “बनको बाघले खाला नखाला तर मनको बाघले पक्कै खान्छ” This roughly translates into saying, you are likely to be devoured by the tiger that’s on your mind than the one in the jungle. Similarly, when we are addicted to sth, the idea of giving up on it seems way too daunting than it actually is. It seems like an arduous undertaking, therefore, we lack the motivation to even consider trying. And even if some people do try, most of them give up too easily.

Knowing isn’t Enough

Educated or not, we all are aware of the consequences of smoking, but still, many of us do it. I think that’s because our conscience alone isn’t enough to make us do what we ought to. Knowing is one thing and realization, altogether another. Therefore, we need much more than just knowledge. In fact, it’s even more dangerous if you are literate because you have the power to use your knowledge in your favour. One could train their brain into thinking all nonsensical things, for instance, “so what 7+ million people lose their lives each year due to tobacco, I could be an exception.” Really? It is so much easier to buy into any lame excuse for why not to quit than to actually admit it. I’m sure many of you might have witnessed, in smokers little group, there’s always someone who knows someone who had smoked for years but lived a healthy life. Now, how about, that one person is an exception and not the other way round or even fictitious for that matter (who knows).

It’s All in The Mind

I strongly believe ‘it’s all in the mind’ but just like the dreams, aspirations, and motivations of each one us is unique; so is our brain, it’s functioning and how it responds to things. Recognize, realize and react. No nicotine day today or no tomorrow? You need to decide for yourself because no one else can do that for you. Nothing and no one can make you quit smoking, but yourself. It’ll happen for you when you decide.

Listen to Your Body

Back in August 2016, I had been diagnosed with anaemia, followed by hypothyroidism and osteoarthritis. Not a direct cause of smoking but it would slow the pace of recovering and make matters worst. I was advised to quit smoking but I did not. One of the doctors looked surprised and told me “he’d seen patients whose condition were not even at my level – faint.” My mama, who’s also a doctor saw my report and told my mum in a surprising tone “how is she even functioning or communicating to and fro from work on a daily basis?” If F2F I would have replied, “on my two-wheeler.” But jokes apart. In my head, I was perfectly ok, although weekends were darn hard if I recall it now. Maybe that doctor’s report did leave some impact but it actually took me another 6 months to do something about it.

A Wake-up Call

For years I had indulged in this habit and using it as a tool to heal; when it was only causing more damage than any good. That night, when I was in my terrace, it was just like any other night. There was nothing extraordinary about it. However, the realization gave me a new perspective to look at the same old things, but differently. I remember looking at the astray in front of me…it was little drizzled with water so the ashes looked like a wet coal. That grey, brown, or blackish mixture of gases never looked so disgusting and it smelled even worst. That visual was a wake-up call for me. Not the doctor’s report alone, but I guess all things combined.

The Calm Before The Storm

That sight got me thinking, if this is what it looks when it comes in contact with a plain drinking water, think what it could be doing to our body internally? Also, just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they don’t have any effect. So, isn’t it a foolishness to push one’s body to an extent until it actually shows its life-threatening effects? This is one very good example of misinterpreting silence for weakness or resilience for cowardliness.

Treat Your Body Like a Temple

Our body retains everything that we inhale, eat, drink, see, think, feel and more. We are only human made of flesh and bone; so can’t fool ourselves into believing that one can get away with it because the truth is—we cannot. It’s not a choice but a prerequisite to start treating our body like it deserves to be treated.

Silver Lining 

How many of you have said this before? “I only smoke socially” “and how often do you socialize?” The answer is “almost daily” haha. There’s more…”I’ll minimize the numbers of sticks per day and eventually quit smoking.” “I won’t buy a packet of cigarette, just a few sticks when I get the urge.” “I don’t smoke once I reach home” so on and so forth. Trust me, I’ve been there. But on a positive note, if you’ve said one of these statements once in your lifetime, some part of you really want to quit. All that you lack is the motivation to actually go ahead and do it.

“Quit Smoking by Gradual Reduction.” This never worked for me. In my defence, if you gradually decrease the number, there are equal chances that one could gradually increase them too. It’s not necessary what worked for one, will work for all. Try and see what works best for you, but what’s really important is that you TRY.

Don’t Feed the Devil Inside You

You know what’s the toughest battle one can easily lose? The one we have with ourselves. So, be stubborn in this regard. Don’t let a make-believe idea that your mind has adapted to, use it against you. We all have the good and bad within us, just don’t feed the devil inside you.

Often we don’t even realize the power we have to create a magic. What is magic? Sth impossible made possible! I got my magical moment to decide “enough is enough. I quit! And I quit now.” Which I did, and never looked back. To my surprise, I didn’t even get the urge to smoke the next day and that’s the power of the mind. However, I wasn’t fully convinced that I’d actually done it, that’s why I’m posting this blog after a year. Now, I am confident that I’ve faced and successfully fought the devil inside me. If I can, so can you.

Some tips for you to try

  • Do the math. See how much you spend on a daily, monthly or a yearly basis on a cigarette. Include the measures you use to reduce them such as patches, gums etc.
  • Weigh them. Money spent on cigarettes Vs groceries with healthy foods and drinks
  • Money spent on smoking till date and what you could do with it today? Could have saved that amount, invested, donated for a cause and more…
  • Check for its consequences, do a full body diagnosis. How many of the problems you are facing are being triggered by smoking? How many of those could be minimized if you quit?
  • Replace the smoke time with sth healthy, do yoga, meditate, go for a walk or call a friend you haven’t spoken to, write etc. There’s so much you can do.
  • Take one moment at a time, it will pass if you allow it to.

Happy Healing!

SRK – in love with a ghost 

Never thought I would be obsessing over a celebrity and that too at this stage of my life 😆 It’s been almost a decade since I’ve left teen, yet I find myself fixated over this man’s interviews and social media activities. Yup, I am talking about Shah Rukh Khan. Bit embarrassing I know, but it’s a fact I’m having a hard time admitting to it. 🙃

I keep telling myself, “You don’t know him personally, he could be anyone and very likely not the one you think he is. So how is he deserving of your time and attention? Yes, he could be a great human being or perhaps just a great actor who really knows his game. While he maybe just doing his job (mastering his field) you are putting him on a pedestal that he may or may not be deserving of. Giving this ghost a face – SRK’s face in this case. Know that, this image that you have created on your mind may or may not exist.”


I am not a movie person tbh, I get angsty having to sit in one place and watch one movie for continuous 2 to 3 hours. Rather, I’m more of documentary kinda person. Biopic and interviews work best in my interest, but movies. So while I was going through some interviews on leadership I came across his speech at Dhirubhai Ambani International School and there was no stopping since then. By now I’ve probably watched all of his interviews on YouTube, latest being the TED talk on humanity, fame, and love. I can’t seem to get enough of him. It’s sheer pleasure just to watch him woo me 😊 Thus, now in a process of completing watching all his movies… damn I sound so scary 😳 You might think I’m insane, but trust me when I say I’m a lot crazier that you think I am 😉

Idolizing and romanticizing as a child – that can be explainable, but as an adult – that’s questionable, I would at least. I think it’s nonsense to idolize anyone coz I personally am cynical about the idea of a living legend. It could be because of my own experiences growing up. For an instance, who I thought they (as in adults) were and how I was revealed to the fact who they really are while I was growing up was a life changing yet hilarious experience.

I realize I could be in trouble for saying so but it’s my belief that I think there are no mahatmas, gurus or whatever we call them. I personally think, what/who we idolize is simply: a glorification, a sugarcoated fact. All these larger than life characters has been created as an escape from one’s own reality. They are either who we cannot be or cannot find. This is true and very true in my case. Fiction I believe is an exaggerated form of reality that has transcended into a vision and image where even the sky is not the limit, coz one can make of it whatever they want it to be. I’m aware of this delusion yet I find myself obsessing over SRK (more so now than ever).


This man who seems to tick all the boxes of ‘Mr. Right’ has a face of a man who is my father’s age, is a married man from India and has 3 kids. But wait! This makes it safe to love him and admit it openly – doesn’t it? 😉 So allow me 🙂 My justification for why I think he is ‘Mr. Perfect’ although his real self may or may not be.

I know, not all would agree and that’s perfectly ok. One can hate him or love him but can’t deny his accomplishment. He could be cunning to many, but his charm is undeniably infectious to millions. He who is a self-made man who has been consistently treading his path in his favor. He does it effortlessly because he is grounded, honest and keeps it very simple.

It’s through his hard work, intelligence and diligence he is who he is today. He has been reigning for almost 3 decades now and still counting. Do note, a miracle happens once or maybe twice. What’s consistent is real. He has been dubbed as the 2nd richest actor in the world yet possesses a childlike curiosity. He who isn’t perfect yet so godly. His life journey is fascinating to a sociologist, inspiring to any layman, intriguing to an entrepreneur and spellbinding to a dreamer.

He who wears his wit like the amulet. An intellectual man yet so humble. Most celebrated celebrity yet so down to earth. His words spill wisdom and speech floats like a poetry.  He’s well informed, which makes him rational; yet he has the courage to dare dream which makes him a dreamer. He who knows commerce and values philosophy. He who believes in the religion of humanity and oneness.

Like most, of my writing and my own personality, this blog post too, is self-contradictory. Do I owe anyone an explanation? You ain’t getting any 😛 Save your effort and don’t try to take my words in a literal sense and least, try finding logic. This blog post isn’t intended to serve anything but confess a dilemma. I don’t know if I’m complaining SRK’s non-existence or complimenting the probability of his being.

Either he is who he is or he is an excellent PR to successfully portray the image he has built and sustained it for so long. Speaking of which, sure people can be pretentious but the question is – for how long? In his case, his aura, those vibes, energy, and warmth with which he and his admirers reciprocate, all over the world speaks for itself. He is the real deal and truly blessed.

This man seems to be a life savior and a killer (both at the same time). The man who respects women, married the first girl he dated and his universe revolves around his kids and family. He seems to be a mama’s boy, mad lover, faithful husband, sensitive yet a fighter, with the right balance of masculinity and femininity. Combination of an intelligent man with a strength and courage can never go wrong. No wonder, Bhahubali is doing so well.

SRK is the face for all those who are trying to give a shape to their imagery ‘Mr Right.’ Characters he portrays is what every girl looks in their partner and mother sees in their son. He radiates faith to those who believes in true love, match made in heaven and everything unworldly.

He is an ordinary man who has achieved an extraordinary triumph. He is relatable and an epitome of what a real modern man should be. His eyes (the way it glistens) makes you want to believe that he is the one for you; you look into his eyes and u go like “this is the man who can die for me, kill for me, live for me and love me like no other”; although it’s a different story that it’s not true – the make believe does its magic.

He is an easy escape for those million dreamers who’s reality isn’t what one wants to acknowledge. He brings hope to a common man to believe that they too can reach their highest destiny and fulfill their life purpose (whatever that maybe).

Onscreen he spellbinds his audience with his magic wand and offscreen his real life journey, love and success story is no different to work its mojo. Now, how can this man not be loved? Admired so much so that he unintendedly invites haters too. He definitely is a rare breed, quite a catch! They don’t make such man anymore. He has all those qualities that matter, but he isn’t perfect and that’s the key. His imperfection is what makes him perfect.

Happy dreaming – $hri§T

To my non-readers

Most of my readers are non-readers turned readers and I take pride in the fact. So here’s to those non-readers from all around the world. All those curious souls in all size, shape, creed and color, or an accidental SEOs…Whatever it is that brought you to the world of Alexa Creation – you are welcome. I’m glad you are here.

When I’d started Alexa Creation (7 years ago), the objective was simply to let it out; with no mere intention of being noticed. Back then few of my dear friends had suggested that I must start a blog; I wasn’t sure if I was ready but I gave it a try; spilled my heart out and it felt good. Therefore I continued for nothing but self-healing, but now I have a bigger reason.

As we know: The Only Thing That Is Constant Is Change. We are in search of the highest and the brightest within us. Similar to those trillion cells in our body mutating every millisecond and on an external level, those life experiences helping us grow spiritually until we’ve learned our lesson…I too am in that process of transforming into my complete self and I’m glad you are here to witness. So, cheers to our commonality that has connected us, despite our differences.

Writing to me is not just a form of an expression, but my existence. It is sincerely from the heart and its sheer earnest attempt unfolding every aspect in me; where not only one facet alone fully defines me. I’m glad some of you have recognized that.

Your messages on how my writing to your own surprise has turned you into a reader 🙂 encourage me to continue. Without the motivation, even the unencumbered attempts or the greatest of ideas lay adrift. So I thank you all for appreciating, encouraging and giving it a purpose.

No matter how you relate/connect: be it thought-provoking or a sheer pleasure of wordplay. Feels amazing to learn that ‘I in my own little way’ have touched your hearts for good (if not better). My heartfelt gratitude to all my non-readers turned readers and all others.

P.S below I’ve shared few of my favorites in no particular order🙂

Happy reading 📖

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She who…

If she is not the one you know then who is she?

 

She who’s father refused to see her face at birth because she was a second child and yet another girl. She who was abandoned, while this little one was chasing her mother; begging her to stay, but she left anyway. 
Her favorite birds were separating…just then, she fluctuated with grades (highs on her pre-board, but not so on the final). Some genius fools took this opportunity; brilliantly forecasting her future predicting – what she was NOT capable of…
Not the father or the mother but the other. Those ‘steps’ she could not rely standing on, let alone walking. Those not so grown-up elderlies would vent at her at any given chance as though she could feel nothing…But she did and a lot. Facilely they would throw a remark telling WHAT she lacked, but not exert an inch to empathize WHY she lacks it.
She who was condemned for playing innocent, but she who didn’t know a ‘b’ of bamboozle or ‘p’ of politics. She who was a victim yet she was sentenced for a crime she’d never committed. She who wasn’t cruel-clever to maneuver play in her favor; not even close to defending her own case for that matter.
Don’t fool fiction to be real or not-the-actual to be factual. FICTION can be an exaggerated reality and REALITY it’s played-down version – $hri§T

Happy Reading! 🙂

Hopeless Romantic

Not a damsel in distress who needs a knight in shining armor, and definitely not yours to rescue. So don’t bother, grow-up first will you? Just growing mustache doesn’t declare growing up. And what do you know about love anyway or loving a woman? I am more than just a puzzle you want to solve, so don’t misread your curiosity for that to be love.

I dare you to go dare wear your heart on your sleeve, risk getting your heart broken and be brave to love some more. Fall to rise and to fall gazillion times until you experience the fear of the death’s bed. And when you rise from the ashes, like a Phoenix – you grow (not old but wise). And this time to love (again), to witness the real love, the forever after love, one with a happy ending and happily ever after.

In case you are wondering what that was about? Well, 1000 Vs 1…

Admirers, some stalkers too.
I’m sure everyone has their share,
I too got to witness few.

From those who brought me a land on the moon to those who wants to secure me for when I turn 60. Flattering! It’s great to have admirers, isn’t it? But think again, is it?

Be it 10s, 100 or more – that’s not the point.
I mean what’s the point right? When all you need is ONE. That someone who’s THE ONE.
Whom you can call your own, who loves you as much as you love them (maybe more). That special someone that’s truly yours; most importantly ONLY YOURS.

I don’t easily buy into crap but yes, deep down hopelessly a hopeless romantic I am. Don’t try me!