A Year Ago Today, I Chose Life

A year ago today, was pretty late at night…like a nocturnal that I am, was on my terrace, as usual sipping wine and smoking my worries away, so to speak. I was thinking all sorts of things. My thoughts followed no pattern, some of it made sense while other’s were sheer blabber. Overwhelmed, all kinds of emotions were running through as I was inhaling the *&^th cigarette of my day and just then…something happened. I call it MAGIC, believe it or not.

Moment of Realization

Who would have thought, something so simple could be life-changing. That magic I was referring to, was my moment of realization—epiphany. Suddenly, all cloudy thoughts and noises inside my head got sidetracked, allowing this simple truth to pass through. I then asked myself, “what the hell am I doing?” I shifted my glance towards the two fingers that had clinched these cigarettes…not a word, I simply stared at it. I asked myself another question “Why am I doing this to myself?” And the questions followed “Do I NOT know it’s consequences?” “How did it all begin and why can’t I stop it?” “Can’t? or don’t want to?” “Who am I fooling?”

Where it all Began?

For all those who smoke, I bet most of ’em have had their own circumstances and reasons for how-o-why they’d started smoking. Mine was, out of curiosity. I was one of those who wanted to try everything, even if it meant failing measurably at it. What was rewarding to me was to get that one experience. But this curiosity soon became a habit, didn’t even realize how this habit turned into an addiction. It’s not that the thought of refraining from it never occurred to me, in fact, it did—several times. So why didn’t I take any action then?

Child Within You

We all have a child within us, some are innocent and others a brat. So what does a child do when they don’t want to give you something they like? They create a reason for why they must have it. Also, the idea of giving up makes them want it even more, whether or not they need it. More often than not, we as an adult are reluctant to give up smoking because first of all, we are addicted to it—admin it. Secondly, it’s an easier choice, which allows us to continue doing what we want to. Last but not the least, somewhere deep down we don’t want to, therefore we look for reasons not to—just like a spoiled child.

Don’t Make Your Fear Bigger Than it Actually is…

In Nepali we have a proverb that says “बनको बाघले खाला नखाला तर मनको बाघले पक्कै खान्छ” This roughly translates into saying, you are likely to be devoured by the tiger that’s on your mind than the one in the jungle. Similarly, when we are addicted to sth, the idea of giving up on it seems way too daunting than it actually is. It seems like an arduous undertaking, therefore, we lack the motivation to even consider trying. And even if some people do try, most of them give up too easily.

Knowing isn’t Enough

Educated or not, we all are aware of the consequences of smoking, but still, many of us do it. I think that’s because our conscience alone isn’t enough to make us do what we ought to. Knowing is one thing and realization, altogether another. Therefore, we need much more than just knowledge. In fact, it’s even more dangerous if you are literate because you have the power to use your knowledge in your favour. One could train their brain into thinking all nonsensical things, for instance, “so what 7+ million people lose their lives each year due to tobacco, I could be an exception.” Really? It is so much easier to buy into any lame excuse for why not to quit than to actually admit it. I’m sure many of you might have witnessed, in smokers little group, there’s always someone who knows someone who had smoked for years but lived a healthy life. Now, how about, that one person is an exception and not the other way round or even fictitious for that matter (who knows).

It’s All in The Mind

I strongly believe ‘it’s all in the mind’ but just like the dreams, aspirations, and motivations of each one us is unique; so is our brain, it’s functioning and how it responds to things. Recognize, realize and react. No nicotine day today or no tomorrow? You need to decide for yourself because no one else can do that for you. Noting and no one can make you quit smoking, but yourself. It’ll happen for you when you decide.

Listen to Your Body

Back in August 2016, I had been diagnosed with anaemia, followed by hypothyroidism and osteoarthritis. Not a direct cause of smoking but it would slow the pace of recovering and make matters worst. I was advised to quit smoking but I did not. One of the doctors looked surprised and told me “he’d seen patients whose condition were not even at my level – faint.” My mama, who’s also a doctor saw my report and told my mum in a surprising tone “how is she even functioning or communicating to and fro from work on a daily basis?” If F2F I would have replied, “on my two-wheeler.” But jokes apart. In my head, I was perfectly ok, although weekends were darn hard if I recall it now. Maybe that doctor’s report did leave some impact but it actually took me another 6 months to do something about it.

A Wake-up Call

For years I had indulged in this habit and using it as a tool to heal; when it was only causing more damage than any good. That night, when I was on my terrace, it was just like any other night, there was nothing extraordinary about it. However, the realization gave me a new perspective to look at the same old things but differently. I remember looking at the astray in front of me…it was little drizzled with water so the ashes looked like a wet coal. That grey, brown, or blackish mixture of gases never looked so disgusting and it smelled even worst. That visual was a wake-up call for me. Not the doctor’s report alone, but I guess all little things combined.

The Calm Before The Storm

That sight got me thinking, if this is what it looks when it comes in contact with a plain drinking water, think what it could be doing to our body internally? Also, just because you can’t see them doesn’t mean they don’t have any effect. So, isn’t it a foolishness to push our body to an extent until it actually shows its life-threatening effects? This is one very good example of misinterpreting silence for weakness or resilience for cowardliness.

Treat Your Body Like a Temple

Our body retains everything that we inhale, eat, drink, see, think, feel and more. We are only human made of flesh and blood, so can’t fool ourselves into believing that one can get away with it because the truth is, we cannot. It’s not a choice but a prerequisite to starting treating our body like it deserves to be treated.

Silver Lining 

How many of you have said this before? “I only smoke socially” “and how often do you socialize?” The answer is “almost daily” haha. There’s more…”I’ll minimize the numbers of sticks per day and eventually quit smoking.” “I won’t buy a packet of cigarette, just a few sticks when I get the urge.” “I don’t smoke once I reach home” so on and so forth. Trust me, I’ve been there. But on a positive note, if you’ve said one of these statements once in your lifetime, some part of you really want to quit. All that you lack is the motivation to actually go ahead and do it.

“Quit Smoking by Gradual Reduction.” This never worked for me. In my defence, if you gradually decrease the number, there are equal chances that one could gradually increase them too. It’s not necessary what worked for one, will work for all. Try and see what works best for you, but what’s really important is that you TRY.

Don’t Feed the Devil Inside You

You know what’s the toughest battle one can easily lose? The one we have with ourselves. So, be stubborn in this regard. Don’t let a make-believe idea that your mind has adapted to, use it against you. We all have the good and bad within us, just don’t feed the devil inside you.

Often we don’t even realize the power we have to create a magic. What is magic? Sth impossible made possible! I got my magical moment to decide “enough is enough. I quit! And I quit now.” Which I did, and never looked back. To my surprise, I didn’t even get the urge to smoke the next day and that’s the power of the mind. However, I wasn’t fully convinced that I’d actually done it, that’s why I’m posting this blog after a year. Now, I am confident that I’ve faced and successfully fought the devil inside me. If I can so can you.

Some tips for you to try

  • Do the math. See how much you spend on a daily, monthly or a yearly basis on a cigarette. Include the measures you use to reduce them such as patches, gums etc.
  • Weigh them. Money spent on cigarettes Vs groceries with healthy foods and drinks
  • Money spent on smoking till date and what you could do with it today? Could have saved that amount, invested, donated for a cause and more…
  • Check for its consequences, do a full body diagnosis. How many of the problems you are facing are being triggered by smoking? How many of those could be minimized if you quit?
  • Replace the smoke time with sth healthy, do yoga, meditate, go for a walk or call a friend you haven’t spoken to, write etc. There’s so much you can do.
  • Take one moment at a time, it will pass if you allow it to.

Happy Healing! 


SRK – in love with a ghost 

Never thought I would be obsessing over a celebrity and that too at this stage of my life 😆 It’s been almost a decade since I’ve left teen, yet I find myself fixated over this man’s interviews and social media activities. Yup, I am talking about Shah Rukh Khan. Bit embarrassing I know, but it’s a fact I’m having a hard time admitting to it. 🙃

I keep telling myself, “You don’t know him personally, he could be anyone and very likely not the one you think he is. So how is he deserving of your time and attention? Yes, he could be a great human being or perhaps just a great actor who really knows his game. While he maybe just doing his job (mastering his field) you are putting him on a pedestal that he may or may not be deserving of. Giving this ghost a face – SRK’s face in this case. Know that, this image that you have created on your mind may or may not exist.”

I am not a movie person tbh, I get angsty having to sit in one place and watch one movie for continuous 2 to 3 hours. Rather, I’m more of documentary kinda person. Biopic and interviews work best in my interest, but movies. So while I was going through some interviews on leadership I came across his speech at Dhirubhai Ambani International School and there was no stopping since then. By now I’ve probably watched all of his interviews on YouTube, latest being the TED talk on humanity, fame, and love. I can’t seem to get enough of him. It’s sheer pleasure just to watch him woo me 😊 Thus, now in a process of completing watching all his movies… damn I sound so scary 😳 You might think I’m insane, but trust me when I say I’m a lot crazier that you think I am 😉

Idolizing and romanticizing as a child – that can be explainable, but as an adult – that’s questionable, I would at least. I think it’s nonsense to idolize anyone coz I personally am cynical about the idea of a living legend. It could be because of my own experiences growing up. For an instance, who I thought they (as in adults) were and how I was revealed to the fact who they really are while I was growing up was a life changing yet hilarious experience.

I realize I could be in trouble for saying so but it’s my belief that I think there are no mahatmas, gurus or whatever we call them. I personally think, what/who we idolize is simply: a glorification, a sugarcoated fact. All these larger than life characters has been created as an escape from one’s own reality. They are either who we cannot be or cannot find. This is true and very true in my case. Fiction I believe is an exaggerated form of reality that has transcended into a vision and image where even the sky is not the limit, coz one can make of it whatever they want it to be. I’m aware of this delusion yet I find myself obsessing over SRK (more so now than ever). 

This man who seems to tick all the boxes of ‘Mr. Right’ has a face of a man who is my father’s age, is a married man from India and has 3 kids. But wait! This makes it safe to love him and admit it openly – doesn’t it? 😉 So allow me 🙂 My justification for why I think he is ‘Mr. Perfect’ although his real self may or may not be.

I know, not all would agree and that’s perfectly ok. One can hate him or love him but can’t deny his accomplishment. He could be cunning to many, but his charm is undeniably infectious to millions. He who is a self-made man who has been consistently treading his path in his favor. He does it effortlessly because he is grounded, honest and keeps it very simple. 

It’s through his hard work, intelligence and diligence he is who he is today. He who has been reigning for almost 3 decades now and still counting. Do note, a miracle happens once or maybe twice. What’s consistent is real. He has been dubbed as the 2nd richest actor in the world yet possesses a childlike curiosity. He who isn’t perfect yet so godly. His life journey is fascinating to a sociologist, inspiring to any layman, intriguing to an entrepreneur and spellbinding to a dreamer.

He who wears his wit like the amulet. An intellectual man yet so humble. Most celebrated celebrity yet so down to earth. His words spill wisdom and speech floats like a poetry.  He’s well informed, which makes him rational; yet he has the courage to dare dream which makes him a dreamer. He who knows commerce and values philosophy. He who believes in the religion of humanity and oneness.

Like most, of my writing and my own personality, this blog post too, is self-contradictory. Do I owe anyone an explanation? You ain’t getting any 😛 Save your effort and don’t try to take my words in a literal sense and least, try finding logic. This blog post isn’t intended to serve anything but confess a dilemma. I don’t know if I’m complaining SRK’s non-existence or complimenting the probability of his being.

Either he is who he is or he is an excellent PR to successfully portray the image he has built and sustained it for so long. Speaking of which, sure people can be pretentious but the question is – for how long? In his case, his aura, those vibes, energy, and warmth with which he and his admirers reciprocate, all over the world speaks for itself. He is the real deal and truly blessed. 

This man seems to be a life savior and a killer (both at the same time). The man who respects women, married the first girl he dated and his universe revolves around his kids and family. He seems to be a mama’s boy, mad lover, faithful husband, sensitive yet a fighter, with the right balance of masculinity and femininity. Combination of an intelligent man with a strength and courage can never go wrong. No wonder, Bhahubali is doing so well. 

SRK is the face for all those who are trying to give a shape to their imagery ‘Mr Right.’ Characters he portrays is what every girl looks in their partner and mother sees in their son. He radiates faith to those who believes in true love, match made in heaven and everything unworldly. 

He is an ordinary man who has achieved an extraordinary triumph. He is relatable and an epitome of what a real modern man should be. His eyes (the way it glistens) makes you want to believe that he is the one for you; you look into his eyes and u go like “this is the man who can die for me, kill for me, live for me and love me like no other”; although it’s a different story that it’s not true – the make believe does its magic. 

He is an easy escape for those million dreamers who’s reality isn’t what one wants to acknowledge. He brings hope to a common man to believe that they too can reach their highest destiny and fulfill their life purpose (whatever that maybe). 

Onscreen he spellbinds his audience with his magic wand and offscreen his real life journey, love and success story is no different to work its mojo. Now, how can this man not be loved? Admired so much so that he unintendedly invites haters too. He definitely is a rare breed, quite a catch! They don’t make such man anymore. He has all those qualities that matter, but he isn’t perfect and that’s the key. His imperfection is what makes him perfect.

Happy dreaming – $hri§T

To my non-readers

Most of my readers are non-readers turned readers and I take pride in the fact. So here’s to those non-readers from all around the world. All those curious souls in all size, shape, creed and color, or an accidental SEOs…Whatever it is that brought you to the world of Alexa Creation – you are welcome. I’m glad you are here.

When I’d started Alexa Creation (7 years ago), the objective was simply to let it out; with no mere intention of being noticed. Back then few of my dear friends had suggested that I must start a blog; I wasn’t sure if I was ready but I gave it a try; spilled my heart out and it felt good. Therefore I continued for nothing but self-healing, but now I have a bigger reason.

As we know: The Only Thing That Is Constant Is Change. We are in search of the highest and the brightest within us. Similar to those trillion cells in our body mutating every millisecond and on an external level, those life experiences helping us grow spiritually until we’ve learned our lesson…I too am in that process of transforming into my complete self and I’m glad you are here to witness. So, cheers to our commonality that has connected us, despite our differences.

Writing to me is not just a form of an expression, but my existence. It is sincerely from the heart and its sheer earnest attempt unfolding every aspect in me; where not only one facet alone fully defines me. I’m glad some of you have recognized that.

Your messages on how my writing to your own surprise has turned you into a reader 🙂 encourage me to continue. Without the motivation, even the unencumbered attempts or the greatest of ideas lay adrift. So I thank you all for appreciating, encouraging and giving it a purpose.

No matter how you relate/connect: be it thought-provoking or a sheer pleasure of wordplay. Feels amazing to learn that ‘I in my own little way’ have touched your hearts for good (if not better). My heartfelt gratitude to all my non-readers turned readers and all others.

P.S below I’ve shared few of my favorites in no particular order🙂

Happy reading 📖



She who…

If she is not the one you know then who is she?


She who’s father refused to see her face at birth because she was a second child and yet another girl. She who was abandoned, while this little one was chasing her mother; begging her to stay, but she left anyway. 
Her favorite birds were separating…just then, she fluctuated with grades (highs on her pre-board, but not so on the final). Some genius fools took this opportunity; brilliantly forecasting her future predicting – what she was NOT capable of…
Not the father or the mother but the other. Those ‘steps’ she could not rely standing on, let alone walking. Those not so grown-up elderlies would vent at her at any given chance as though she could feel nothing…But she did and a lot. Facilely they would throw a remark telling WHAT she lacked, but not exert an inch to empathize WHY she lacks it.
She who was condemned for playing innocent, but she who didn’t know a ‘b’ of bamboozle or ‘p’ of politics. She who was a victim yet she was sentenced for a crime she’d never committed. She who wasn’t cruel-clever to maneuver play in her favor; not even close to defending her own case for that matter.
Don’t fool fiction to be real or not-the-actual to be factual. FICTION can be an exaggerated reality and REALITY it’s played-down version – $hri§T

Happy Reading! 🙂

Hopeless Romantic

Not a damsel in distress who needs a knight in shining armor, and definitely not yours to rescue. So don’t bother, grow-up first will you? Just growing mustache doesn’t declare growing up. And what do you know about love anyway or loving a woman? I am more than just a puzzle you want to solve, so don’t misread your curiosity for that to be love.

I dare you to go dare wear your heart on your sleeve, risk getting your heart broken and be brave to love some more. Fall to rise and to fall gazillion times until you experience the fear of the death’s bed. And when you rise from the ashes, like a Phoenix – you grow (not old but wise). And this time to love (again), to witness the real love, the forever after love, one with a happy ending and happily ever after. True story 😉

In case you are wondering what that was about? Well, 1000 Vs 1…

Admirers, some stalkers too.
I’m sure everyone has their share,
I too got to witness few.

From those who brought me a land on the moon to those who wants to secure me for when I turn 60. Flattering! It’s great to have admirers, isn’t it? But think again, is it?

Be it 10s, 100 or more – that’s not the point.
I mean what’s the point right? When all you need is ONE. That someone who’s THE ONE.
Whom you can call your own, who loves you as much as you love them (maybe more). That special someone that’s truly yours; most importantly ONLY YOURS.

I don’t easily buy into crap but yes, deep down hopelessly a hopeless romantic I am. Don’t try me!

The Sun & The Moon – Final (Part III)

This blog post is the continuation of The Sun and The Moon – Part II

After everyone had left I sat there alone in the cold to do some soul searching. Felt almost giddy with all the self-talk that was leading to no action. Therefore, to get through with it once AND for all, I grabbed my phone and typed the 1st thing that popped in my head and pressed send. I know it’s a bit disappointing to let those feelings out via text message and that too without giving it much thought. Especially after all that effort to get to where he was. However, just so I am not too guilty I seek solace in a fact that the attempt did not entirely go in vain; it at least provided an opportunity for a beautiful evening.

Now that I’d spilled the words, how was I feeling? How was I suppose to feel? All that I recall now for how I was feeling back then was – cold. When I say ‘cold’ I mean ‘cold’ in its literal sense and not ‘cold’ metaphorically. Enough of brooding, I had to stop torturing my body and get some rest. It was only when I was preparing to leave and had shifted my gaze away from all that introspection…I could see the first light appearing in the sky – breaking dawn. If anyone were to see me right then, a nocturnal or an early bird – who could tell? 🙂

Just to give you a picture.
It had been 48 hours since I’d texted. No response was driving me insane. All that while I wished I could read his mind and hoping that he would say the words I wanted to hear. Although, some part of me already knew what his reply would be and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. So I just kept pushing my thoughts away, hoping for a miracle that he would say sth that would take me by surprise and prove my instinct wrong.

Can’t believe it took him 72 hours just to revert. Maybe it takes time, but that long? Just to reply? IDK! Well, he reverted with an anticipated reply, where even his rejection was darn polite. Good that my instinct signaled it right but too bad it wasn’t in my favor. Anyways, that very moment, to my surprise I was less hurt by the fact that it wasn’t positive and more relief with an idea that he’d finally replied. In my head, I was like “Phew! That’s all it takes, few words and hit reply – that’s it; how hard could it be?” LOL look who’s talking 😛 Anyways, my emphasis here is on the communication gap.

Can’t help but mention that if you happen to be one of those readers who is interested in a cancer woman, know that cutting out communication with her is a recipe for disaster. Cancerians I know thrive on communication, be it connecting, sharing, bonding or healing. They need to communicate, express, exchange thoughts and ideas, but if you shut them out; sooner you’ll find yourself on the other end of the door and out of their life. Oops! I either gave you a suggestion or disclosed a tip on how to get rid of Cancerians 😉

I thought I was cool to be handling it so well but soon that moment passed and then the reality hit me hard. It started to hurt. I had not signed up for it, at least not at this point of my life. All these years I was successfully hiding my heart away and now I was back to square one. I was in a place where I hated myself to see. It made no sense. I mean if it’s not mutual then why does the feeling arise in the first place? Why does our heart beat for someone if they’re not the one? Why does it have to be so complicated? Now, how could I stop my heart from feeling the way it was feeling?

One moment I was bombarding the universe with questions and the next moment I was consoling myself. Was trying to pacify my own emotion rephrasing my definition of love out loud in my head. “Loving someone does not necessarily mean we need to have /be with that person coz that would just signal being needy; neediness comes out of desperation, not love. Loving means to simple love without wanting anything in return and wishing them well. Freeing them (if need be) and by doing so we free ourselves coz letting go is moving on.” Damn those words, sounds godly, doesn’t it? But did it work? Nah! I wish it did. Easier said than done eh?

Weeks went by, but the pain didn’t. I did not want to acknowledge the fact that this was even close to love. I for sure didn’t want to fall in love with him especially if he did not feel the same way. He didn’t (I think) and there was nothing I could do to make him fall in love with me. There’s nothing he / anyone else could say/do to make me stop loving him. “This is just an attraction, an infatuation, it will fade away before I know it – I know it will. No, this can’t be love, how can it be?” I assured myself saying this repeatedly. But if this wasn’t what I wished it wasn’t, then why did it hurt like it was? That rhymed – great! Which reminds me of the song by Paloma Faith – Only Love Can Hurt Like This.

Months had gone by and I was hoping against hope that the wheel of fortune would take a drastic leap in my favor, helping me either fade my feelings towards him (yeah, I was being a lil selfish) or arise a feeling in him – for me. I was very much attuned to the reality yet so detached from the truth. All this while, I was silly for wanting to hear him say all that he never said; in that sense, I was hoping for him to say the things he never felt. I don’t blame him, he wasn’t even aware of the battle I was fighting with myself. Neither he nor did any of my close colleagues at work had the slightest clue. In fact, since day one they thought and they told me that there might be some attraction from his end, but only I knew (was actually the other way round).

Had to be a good girl and do the right thing, give our friendship a chance coz that was the only way I could keep him near. Amidst all, secretly hoping for this feeling to fade away with time. Praying for the same thing every night I went to bed and hoping that with new morning either I would change or he would (in both of our favor). I tried and tried until that one day…when suddenly he shut me out. Either that or he shut himself out – does it matter? It’s the same thing I guess. He built the wall so high that I couldn’t reach him, let alone communicating directly.

Oh dear lord! This signaled he had easily given up on me. His assuring words, his faith in me and trust – all seemed to be just mere words. Now I had no reason for why I should stay (either in that place or his life altogether) coz I wasn’t needed. I felt unwanted and that is a terrible feeling, especially if it’s coming from someone you really care about. His magical words of reassurance and sense of humor – all that he said did not matter anymore because his action spoke louder.

In almost a month we hadn’t spoken properly and em….one day I announced my last day at work. I kept it a very low profile, just handful of people knew (including him of course). Just when moving on was the only choice I had, moving away wasn’t an option either. I could stay (at least in his life) but that’s not what the universe demanded at that point of time. So on my last day at work (just about an hour before my exit) –  IDK what happened, he gave that one last attention. I was walking towards the door to get to the pantry, just then he came walking from the other room (was a coincidence). He was just a few steps behind me. If he too was headed towards pantry, I for sure didn’t want my last day with him to be awkward. I would happily initiate a talk but would he want that, was my question. So I slowed my pace as if to pick up a tissue on the table right next to the door; as an excuse to allow him to walk past me. Also, to avoid any interaction. He walked past, and as he extended his hand to grab hold of that door (to open) … I wasn’t expecting this but…he swiftly turned around facing me (I was right behind him). He stood still for a brief moment, looked at me and slightly tilted his head with a quick flick upwards as if to say ‘hello’ and that my friend came with a subtle smile. Bingo! Haha

It had been a while since he was so gentle with his words and demeanor towards me. He’d always been gentle with me but then the last few weeks – he wasn’t. Anyways, to think about it now there was really no need for him to make that gesture. I bet if it was any ordinary day – he wouldn’t but that day he did for some weird reason ( I would never know). Either he was happy that I was leaving lol – which I would like to believe is not the case OR he was simply being nice, his idea of farewell I guess.

When we exchanged a brief glance, that moment was rapid but within those fraction of a second, there was a lot of reciprocating without the mere use of words. Words unspoken, some unheard or perhaps overheard. Maybe, I was hearing way too much than that was being said haha. No! When it comes to feelings, I trust my instinct more than anything. So what I felt was definitely true and if it wasn’t I would like to believe it was. Spare me will you? Enough of heartache already – let me make peace with what I choose to believe at least.He always told me that I tend to think a lot, in fact, according to him ladies (in general) tend to think a lot. But he was wrong “I don’t think a lot it’s just that I feel way too much.” 

Damn that gaze was such that – as if he was looking at me like he is never going to see me again. It was winter then and it’s spring now. That eye contact is deeply rooted in my memory like it happened yesterday. That was my last encounter with him and probably the last image I have of him.

The Sun and The Moon – Part II

This blog post is the continuation of The Sun and The Moon – Part I

So where were we? Oh yeah at the bar which was buzzing as busy as bees. We were chitchatting all sorts, can’t even recall what in particular we were talking about. For me, his company was all that I could ask for. I was trying to live a life in that moment which was unfolding quick and time was flying within the blink of an eye. Was past midnight but we agreed to walk all the way back. Away from the buzz once we stepped outside, the setting and the lighting seemed perfect. It was a bit chilly but a refreshing breeze, the smell of an earth and wiped off clear view after the rain was inviting. We walked leisurely passing by the beautiful lake. Walking alongside him through the avenue under the glaze of a moonlight, along the starry night – made it ever so surreal. Wait! Hold that thought right there. Relatable to the moment from the movie ‘La La Land’ where Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling’s were walking and dancing against the starry night? You wish 😉 

La La Land – Lovely Night
And we’d reached…think we would call it a night? Nope, instead, we decided to hang out in the veranda for a bit. It was freezing cold, wasn’t like we were accompanied by some comforting drinks, sipping it leaning over a cozy sofa – nope. Although I wished that was the case but the fact that it was too late for a normal human to be still awake; hence no one at the service. However, against all odds, we chose to spend that time together, whereas supposedly it would have been an easy pick for him to be in the comforts of his quilt – napping; especially when he only had an hour or two before hopping on that long ride back to the city. Yet, he chose to compromise his sleep and comfort. And I was there, all pleased to find myself in his company. For sure I wouldn’t have replaced that moment for no amount of riches. Deep down I truly wished the night would never end.

A Leo man and a Cancer woman
Our voices were the only sound disrupting the silence of the night. Lips were moving but it was eyes that for me did most of the talking. I hadn’t said THE WORD but I assumed he heard it; he hadn’t responded but I assumed I knew what his response would be. What I was picking from the energies, now wasn’t in my favor. For me, the dawn with it brought the end to my fantasies. I wouldn’t dare want to ruin the moment by confirming to it thus I decided to leave it unattended and silently returned to my room.

My friend who is a Sagittarius sun is my reality check, especially when I’m all dreamy. We both have very different approach to things and life in general. Our friendship stands the test of time; it wasn’t all smooth sailing during the initial stage though. But now, it has flourished into a deep bond which can only get stronger. Since she noticed that I wasn’t getting to the point and in despair before even spilling the words out, she stepped up to the plate and started interrogating him. She did so, with an intention of finding the probability of him liking me back. And most importantly if he was the suitor type. Clearly, under her judgment, she proclaims that he failed the test. Ouch! That hurt but I do trust her verdict (especially now more than ever); because she has witnessed my patterns; seen the red flags loud and clear and had warned me. Despite her forewarning, I always did what I thought was right at that time, only to realize years later that she was right. Well, I blame it on my amygdala for taking a little nap 😛

While they both were in the flow of deep conversation: one seemingly interviewing and the other happy answering; I returned, stood there at a distance watching them in delight. The sight was adorable, although a bit silly to be debating at almost 3 in the morning haha. But again, soon to my surprise, I found myself simply standing there unresponsive. All of a sudden I was ridiculously quiet, not even wanting to be a part of their conversation. One moment I was all smiles and the very next moment I was sad.

Yes, we live with it; not by choice but thanks to the tides.
What happened to me all of sudden if you may wonder…as mentioned earlier I’d picked up a clue that he was about to break my heart. More I acknowledged this fact, more I was hurting. My mind went in denial and my body became stiff. My friend and him – having that conversation, it blurred somewhere in the background. I was so numb that even when he leaned towards me to hug me goodnight I did not hug him back (I wish I had but I didn’t). I was so caught up in my own thoughts that I didn’t even see him coming towards me. That brief second I was like this dead person standing still simply watching him walk past me. Took me a couple of more cigarettes to realize that – that’s it, he’s gone. Now, will I ever get to relive this moment – with him by my side? Will I ever have the courage to actually say the words? Were my feelings playing tricks or guarding me as my saving grace? If I were to propose would he really decline my offer as I assumed he would? Was my friend right; was this for better? OR was I missing out on something beautiful?

To be continued…