This blog is a continuation of Those 6 letter word – Part I
Now, let’s refer to ‘they’ as ‘he’ because ‘he’ is a true story. Well, so are ‘they’ but let’s just talk about him.
He says one thing but his actions contradict. He loves (I know) but his compulsive need to go with the crowd is sth he can’t get rid of and I can’t live with. ‘The others’ he refers to time and again…I used to think about if ‘they’ really exist? Unfortunately, they do. Like those grit in grain stuck like a bone to a flesh–not mine but his. Their thoughts, their views makes no difference to me, but it seems to him it does. He may not believe them, but whether or not he trusts me is rather obscure. He loves me but he cares what ‘the others’ say. He confesses, but only when no one is listening. As they appear I seemingly appear invisible to him.
I’ve seen him helpless without me but I know he is miserable with me. He cries when I leave and insists that I come back but when I finally do, he doesn’t hold tight–rather easily let go. I know for a fact, that’s not what he intends to, but too sad he does nothing about it.
It is exhausting having to explain yourself every moment coz no matter what you do, it is never enough or not good enough for ‘them’ that he is referring to as ‘the others.’ So every time I come back, I leave as soon as I do. There were a few moments when I wanted him to say ’stay’ and I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to, but he did not. He doesn’t always have to say to express, but sometimes he must. He needs to show it, say it and say it out loud.
Rather than living together in misery and creating a whole fuss for people around us, who isn’t too keen about the idea already, my decision back then was clear. I would rather stay apart and alone than together and hurt. I am not sure if he realizes this yet, but every time I’d left, it was for him more than for me. And each time I came back it was less for me but more for us.
He is the first person I loved so much as a child…but today, can’t say the same. There is no doubt I still love him and I genuinely care, but not the most. Above all, he has someone who fills in the blank but the blank that he has left in our lives can never be fulfilled. Coz a child may happen more than once but a begetter happens only once.
Life works in mysterious ways. Until and unless one has learned their lesson, life keeps slamming similar situation at your face. And like Sadhguru says, right things will not happen to you unless you do the right thing. So, if you want to change sth, first YOU have to change. Can’t be doing the same thing but expecting different result right? You all know it, the definition of insanity by Albert Einstein.
So what do I do differently this time? Running away from your problems is not the solution of course but would you stay in a place where every moment you are reminded you are unwanted? Let’s shift our focus from the place we run from towards the place we run to. I’ve realized I tend to stay longer or return to a place as quickly as I leave if and only if I feel wanted. Love may or may not be there, understanding and compatibility may or may not exist, but if the people of that place says and shows, they need me—I stay. It’s essential, at least for me it is. A place where you feel uninvited, where you get a feeling of an intruder or worst, a guest in your own home? Trust me, the feeling from the latter is more heart-wrenching.
So this time, the way IN is if I become so stubborn that I decide to stay no matter what OR he decides to take a strong stand for whatever he truly believes in. Not sure about him, but as for me, the same rule applies. Same goes for work or any space for that matter. That’s why I often say, I love so much even to the point of letting go and leaving if need be. My idea of true love is to free (whoever needs to be freed) or simply flee. So the tragedy here is, not love or lack of it, but everything else…
He loves and loves so much, but that’s all he knows.
But love alone isn’t enough. To be together, you need more.
Understanding, respect, support to name a few,
But with time came differences and the distance only grew.
You don’t necessarily have to share a roof to be a ____.
You don’t have to be living together to show you care.
I am not there and he is never here but he is as much a part of me as I’m a part of him
This is the truth that remains unchanged and it need not be stressed.
I want you to know, in spite of the circumstances and the distance. Love shall always remain love. And I shall always care: I did, I do and always will. ‘They’ that you cite every now and then might be with you and I may not. Who is closer you ask? You know! You should know what’s a part is never apart and I am a part of you which even you cannot ignore. It’s about time we acknowledge, it’s the roots that bind us together, not the fruits.
Why fruits? You told me they told you I’m selfish, but why does it matter? Coz of all, you know what the truth is, they don’t. The full story of you & I, no one else knows it better than you and me. Not that I will but I rather starve myself to death than, approach you for selfish reasons. Or anyone for that matter. Yes, I can get as stubborn as you. Self-respect above all else.
Does it still matter what they say or think? If it does, I see no point why I should be there. I have lived half my life without you, I could do the same for whatever breath remains. Not that I wish to, but…
Today, the time has brought me back to a place I’d left behind. Really, it’s only a matter of time when any unfinished business demands your attention. What’s left in tatters needs to be at least picked if not fixed. I am scared as hell as ever, but I have come to do what I can, with the best of my ability in the given situation.
I’ll be there if you want me to, but whether I stay is up to you, like always. I have issues I am willing to work on, but you’ve got to work on yours too. Also, you must stop blaming destiny for setting us apart, because you know we have the power to change our destiny.
When we say KARMA, that after all is just a consequence of our action, isn’t it? You may think what they want you to think but THINK again, what you do, how you choose to act or react is entirely up to you. They can’t make you do things. So, let’s try and at least do things right this time?