This blog post is the continuation of The Sun and The Moon – Part II
After everyone had left I sat there alone in the cold to do some soul searching. Felt almost giddy with all the self-talk that was leading to no action. Therefore, to get through with it once AND for all, I grabbed my phone and typed the 1st thing that popped in my head and pressed send. I know it’s a bit disappointing to let those feelings out via text message and that too without giving it much thought. Especially after all that effort to get to where he was. However, just so I am not too guilty I seek solace in a fact that the attempt did not entirely go in vain; it at least provided an opportunity for a beautiful evening.
Now that I’d spilled the words, how was I feeling? How was I suppose to feel? All that I recall now for how I was feeling back then was – cold. When I say ‘cold’ I mean ‘cold’ in its literal sense and not ‘cold’ metaphorically. Enough of brooding, I had to stop torturing my body and get some rest. It was only when I was preparing to leave and had shifted my gaze away from all that introspection…I could see the first light appearing in the sky – breaking dawn. If anyone were to see me right then, a nocturnal or an early bird – who could tell? 🙂
It had been 48 hours since I’d texted. No response was driving me insane. All that while I wished I could read his mind and hoping that he would say the words I wanted to hear. Although, some part of me already knew what his reply would be and it wasn’t what I wanted to hear. So I just kept pushing my thoughts away, hoping for a miracle that he would say sth that would take me by surprise and prove my instinct wrong.
Can’t believe it took him 72 hours just to revert. Maybe it takes time, but that long? Just to reply? IDK! Well, he reverted with an anticipated reply, where even his rejection was darn polite. Good that my instinct signaled it right but too bad it wasn’t in my favor. Anyways, that very moment, to my surprise I was less hurt by the fact that it wasn’t positive and more relief with an idea that he’d finally replied. In my head, I was like “Phew! That’s all it takes, few words and hit reply – that’s it; how hard could it be?” LOL look who’s talking 😛 Anyways, my emphasis here is on the communication gap.
Can’t help but mention that if you happen to be one of those readers who is interested in a cancer woman, know that cutting out communication with her is a recipe for disaster. Cancerians I know thrive on communication, be it connecting, sharing, bonding or healing. They need to communicate, express, exchange thoughts and ideas, but if you shut them out; sooner you’ll find yourself on the other end of the door and out of their life. Oops! I either gave you a suggestion or disclosed a tip on how to get rid of Cancerians 😉
I thought I was cool to be handling it so well but soon that moment passed and then the reality hit me hard. It started to hurt. I had not signed up for it, at least not at this point of my life. All these years I was successfully hiding my heart away and now I was back to square one. I was in a place where I hated myself to see. It made no sense. I mean if it’s not mutual then why does the feeling arise in the first place? Why does our heart beat for someone if they’re not the one? Why does it have to be so complicated? Now, how could I stop my heart from feeling the way it was feeling?
One moment I was bombarding the universe with questions and the next moment I was consoling myself. Was trying to pacify my own emotion rephrasing my definition of love out loud in my head. “Loving someone does not necessarily mean we need to have /be with that person coz that would just signal being needy; neediness comes out of desperation, not love. Loving means to simple love without wanting anything in return and wishing them well. Freeing them (if need be) and by doing so we free ourselves coz letting go is moving on.” Damn those words, sounds godly, doesn’t it? But did it work? Nah! I wish it did. Easier said than done eh?
Weeks went by, but the pain didn’t. I did not want to acknowledge the fact that this was even close to love. I for sure didn’t want to fall in love with him especially if he did not feel the same way. He didn’t (I think) and there was nothing I could do to make him fall in love with me. There’s nothing he / anyone else could say/do to make me stop loving him. “This is just an attraction, an infatuation, it will fade away before I know it – I know it will. No, this can’t be love, how can it be?” I assured myself saying this repeatedly. But if this wasn’t what I wished it wasn’t, then why did it hurt like it was? That rhymed – great! Which reminds me of the song by Paloma Faith – Only Love Can Hurt Like This.
Months had gone by and I was hoping against hope that the wheel of fortune would take a drastic leap in my favor, helping me either fade my feelings towards him (yeah, I was being a lil selfish) or arise a feeling in him – for me. I was very much attuned to the reality yet so detached from the truth. All this while, I was silly for wanting to hear him say all that he never said; in that sense, I was hoping for him to say the things he never felt. I don’t blame him, he wasn’t even aware of the battle I was fighting with myself. Neither he nor did any of my close colleagues at work had the slightest clue. In fact, since day one they thought and they told me that there might be some attraction from his end, but only I knew (was actually the other way round).
Had to be a good girl and do the right thing, give our friendship a chance coz that was the only way I could keep him near. Amidst all, secretly hoping for this feeling to fade away with time. Praying for the same thing every night I went to bed and hoping that with new morning either I would change or he would (in both of our favor). I tried and tried until that one day…when suddenly he shut me out. Either that or he shut himself out – does it matter? It’s the same thing I guess. He built the wall so high that I couldn’t reach him, let alone communicating directly.
Oh dear lord! This signaled he had easily given up on me. His assuring words, his faith in me and trust – all seemed to be just mere words. Now I had no reason for why I should stay (either in that place or his life altogether) coz I wasn’t needed. I felt unwanted and that is a terrible feeling, especially if it’s coming from someone you really care about. His magical words of reassurance and sense of humor – all that he said did not matter anymore because his action spoke louder.
In almost a month we hadn’t spoken properly and em….one day I announced my last day at work. I kept it a very low profile, just handful of people knew (including him of course). Just when moving on was the only choice I had, moving away wasn’t an option either. I could stay (at least in his life) but that’s not what the universe demanded at that point of time. So on my last day at work (just about an hour before my exit) – IDK what happened, he gave that one last attention. I was walking towards the door to get to the pantry, just then he came walking from the other room (was a coincidence). He was just a few steps behind me. If he too was headed towards pantry, I for sure didn’t want my last day with him to be awkward. I would happily initiate a talk but would he want that, was my question. So I slowed my pace as if to pick up a tissue on the table right next to the door; as an excuse to allow him to walk past me. Also, to avoid any interaction. He walked past, and as he extended his hand to grab hold of that door (to open) … I wasn’t expecting this but…he swiftly turned around facing me (I was right behind him). He stood still for a brief moment, looked at me and slightly tilted his head with a quick flick upwards as if to say ‘hello’ and that my friend came with a subtle smile. Bingo! Haha
It had been a while since he was so gentle with his words and demeanor towards me. He’d always been gentle with me but then the last few weeks – he wasn’t. Anyways, to think about it now there was really no need for him to make that gesture. I bet if it was any ordinary day – he wouldn’t but that day he did for some weird reason ( I would never know). Either he was happy that I was leaving lol – which I would like to believe is not the case OR he was simply being nice, his idea of farewell I guess.
When we exchanged a brief glance, that moment was rapid but within those fraction of a second, there was a lot of reciprocating without the mere use of words. Words unspoken, some unheard or perhaps overheard. Maybe, I was hearing way too much than that was being said haha. No! When it comes to feelings, I trust my instinct more than anything. So what I felt was definitely true and if it wasn’t I would like to believe it was. Spare me will you? Enough of heartache already – let me make peace with what I choose to believe at least.He always told me that I tend to think a lot, in fact, according to him ladies (in general) tend to think a lot. But he was wrong “I don’t think a lot it’s just that I feel way too much.”
Damn that gaze was such that – as if he was looking at me like he is never going to see me again. It was winter then and it’s spring now. That eye contact is deeply rooted in my memory like it happened yesterday. That was my last encounter with him and probably the last image I have of him.