This blog post is a continuation of Love Compatibility – Part III (Cancer & Virgo) 1st Phase.
The drink got me weary and my head was spinning so we decided to head home. He hold my hand and we walked towards the car park, hopped in his SUV. While seated upright I leaned my head against the seat and closed my eyes to relax. He closed the door on my side, walked round semi-circling the car to the driving seat. It was late, just two of us, waiting for rest of his folks to arrive. There was a pin drop silence, nothing awkward, very calm indeed. He then leaned towards me. At first I thought he must be helping me adjust my head so I was comfortable (he did just that and also) …… (u know). Wow! Wat just happened? I did not know how to react but I wasn’t mad either; coz it felt so right. What a great opening to a new year. So many shift within one evening: from no attraction, to a spark that ignited new feelings. From friends to no longer just friends (kiss rule broke that).
I did not want to dwell upon what had happened and most importantly I did not want to be attached. He’d come into my life while I was still recovering. My recent past had torn me apart. Maybe its one of the reason why this relationship couldn’t blossom to its full potential because I did not allow it to. I was struggling to love again; trust again. I know he was no stranger but I was scared. So I got on with my regular routine: work – home – back to work. Since I was working in a call center at that time, our routine was upside down and I took a breath of relief that he wouldn’t be able to catch up with it, but was i wrong?
Late evening, I got up and was getting ready for work as usual. Always in a rush, coz that one more minute of sleep meant heaven for someone who worked odd hours. Office van was at my gate blowing its horn. I quickly grabbed my bag and a phone and gosh my blackberry’s call log was red with missed calls and a text message – it was him. I used to keep my phone in silent mode. Why? Because of my work timings (slept during the day). Dark curtains alone wasn’t helpful and my human ear wasn’t designed with a noise cancellation feature haha. So the least I wanted was a ring tone interruption. Nothing like sleeping at night, but I had chose that life so no complaints.
Got caught up or say, kept myself as busy as I could. It was days and I hadn’t responded to his text. I was expecting him to give-up and continue with his life. Instead, he’d called my mum’s cell (bet he thought that was my other number). Damn, you universe – I’d used mum’s cell once to call him bcoz I was running out of charge and I had to give him a direction so he could pick me up on that new year’s eve.
So my mum gave me a message that I need to call this friend of mine and sort whatever is. She also shared that he did not want to believe when she said that – she was my mum lol. Now, either he was in denial / me and mother sound very much alike over the phone. Thank god I have a mother who’s a friend – she understands. So now, I had no choice but to call him back and I did. One ring and he answered; he sounded so alive n excited that I did not have the heart to kill it with whatever was going on inside my head. Said he wanted to take me out and I agreed.
We started spending more time: Movie dates, followed by fine dining. I even invited him to my office parties. Oh, boi! Call center had the craziest parties at that time. We worked hard and partied harder; it was our escape – way of socializing as otherwise we were so cut off from those who lived a day life. To my surprise we both found that middle-ground despite he living a day life and me otherwise.
Man of few words, but his actions were so charming. With all those little but consistent romantic gestures my heart would want to open up to him (fully). I recall a moment when he took me out for a dinner. I would like to call it a Sufi Night. So here we were, Ghazal Ghar kindda setting – lady at the stage singing a romantic song with a voice so soulful. We were seated on a table for two. I was siting opposite him but had my body slightly slanted in a direction to face the singer. Concentrating on the verse and the singing, I had my eyes fixed on the stage until the song was over. And just when i turned to face him; I caught him looking at me – admirably. More of dinner date followed, sometimes at Tamarind when Hemant Rana would be performing and other times some place else.
It sounds weird i know and I’m not romanticizing but often we could communicate without speaking. For an instance, the way he looked at me told me a lot about how he sees me / feels about me. In a very early days of our relation he trusted me with his weakness and I never judged him; in fact I appreciated his effort to be a better man. He knew my insecurities but he accepted me for who I was. He wouldn’t speak a word but, I would instantly know what he is thinking / wants. This chemistry in particular worked well when we traveled together. Speaking of travel, different people might have their own technique to understanding a person and their compatibility: some judge by a person’s smile and some by moving in together. My trick of a trade to understanding a person / compatibility is to travel with them (long travels) and see how they react when faced with different circumstances: specially when they are out of their comfort zone / routine, away from the title and the hierarchy set forward by the urban society.
We were compatible (no doubt) but no where near was our relationship perfect. Perfection would be a mere lie anyways. He came with his own baggage so heavy that I would doubt if I have the energy to drag that along into my life. That load weighed heavily on me and slowed me down at times, but I paused to recollect my energy and continued moving on to as far as I could.
We both had different approach to secure our heart / deal with our fears. I was afraid to get used to him, fall so deep in love coz that would mean a lot of pain. So reluctantly time and again I would shut him out although my heart would yearn to be with him. He on the other hand had a weird way to find full. He wouldn’t want me to find out but wouldn’t lie when asked. And learning this reality and living with it was killing me.
In my previous relationship with Pisces guy, everything seemed surreal but it lost its essence when truth was revealed. So then, I asked the almighty that I better live a moment of happiness that’s authentic than a lifetime of fantasy that’s fake. And with this new Virgo, I guess universe in its own approach was welcoming me to the real world. So I dare not curse a reality bcoz the fantasy had cost me a great deal already.
Despite those bitter truths; I’m surprised my heart never scorned him. And who was I to question when he was honest about it right from the very beginning. It was out of my control to stop loving him but I could choose to walk out from his life and therefore i did. But what seemed to be an end was just a pause.
To be continued…