Over! But not yet!

We’ve exchanged our bids and said our goodbyes, we’ve had enough and said ‘it’s over’ but guess it isn’t over yet. Something’s left undone but idk what it is. It’s an awful feeling not knowing what exactly it is that’s missing, that’s holding me back but definitely sth…

I thought I’ve made the right decision and maybe I have but it doesn’t feel that way. I guess I got what I wanted and if this is what I want than why am I not satisfied? If leaving him was a safe bet then why do I feel like I’ve failed? I think I did what I had to and I got what I wanted then what exactly is keeping me up all night? IDK whether to give a shit about the rest and run to him or to keep punishing myself trying to withstand my will.

It’s been a while I’ve seen or even heard from him but No! Indeed! Never had I seen him this regular and so upclose.Meaning! My sleep invites him all the time and he stays with me till the morning light. I did my part and I’d set him free but he wouldn’t let me go coz every night as I put myself out there to sleep, he comes close. Now that he’s not a part of my reality he’s made his way to my fantasy so I see him in my dream and very often. In that sense he is out of my life but very much in it. He’s not here but everywhere else. He is still there somewhere within myself and he stays grounded as though he owns me.

Every morning I wake up with the fact that he’s gone like a wind but every night I want to believe that’s true he comes hurling like a hurricane to remind me that “it isn’t over yet”. Truth is he does not exist in my physical world but otherwise he does. I try hard to go blank in my head as I prepare myself for a nap but each time I try, I only end up scaring the sleep away from the night, leaving me with unwanted leisure to think and keep thinking of someone that I don’t want to think about. I continue trying to sleep hoping not to see him; but every-time I wish to hope, it hopelessly gets unfulfilled.

During the day when in control and conscious, I’ve successfully avoided him but as the night breaks and when about to fall asleep, the conscious mind switches its gear to subconscious mode and that’s when I see him whether or not I want to. Willingly I may stay upright but unwillingly I go wrong. I keep my schedule tight on purpose to avoid thinking about him but unfortunately my will only works to a limit. I wish I could apply the same strategy to erase him from my thoughts too.

Not a single day has gone by when I haven’t thought about him AND IT’S NOT LIKE I do it on purpose(If only I had full control over my subconscious). I am trying to get him off my mind and I am tired for not being able to increase the pace for erasing his memories away. I want him to leave me, my thoughts and my dream alone for someone who is to come.

Isn’t it over? What’s left undone? While I am crying begging him to leave, why am I secretly wishing he would stay? Why even after not being here, he’s always there? Why wouldn’t his thoughts leave me alone? What is it that he wants? Or maybe this is not about him, maybe this is about me and maybe this is not what I want…Do I even know what I REALLY want?

They say time heals everything and sure it does. Getting over it, is not sth I can expect to happen overnight. It might take several nights, months or even year so I must remain firm in my intention. For now I need to give myself a little time to heal, to accept the fact, to learn to let go. It’s not an easy road but I also know I will get there someday. All I can wish for is that someday to come soon. I’ll be a fool to expect an easy way out coz I know “Only those who’ve seen the worst gets to experience the best. I’ve made it this far, now there’s no turning back. I shall continue trying to live without him. Past few months went by so will the years ahead…

As I write…I Heal …