God Has Placed The Mirror Right Before Me nD Now I See:What I Want Is Not What I Need!
I always loved more than I should,gave all that I could. Submitted myself whole heartedly to the one I loved and despite loving so much and giving it all, he chose to leave.I wondered for days, months and years… Why did he choose to leave? What was lacking that I couldn’t give?
After almost a year and a half after our break up, he is back…Yes! Back with a bang ehh ! He is back just as I wanted him to be. This is sth I had secretly wished for i.e. his come back, for I wasn’t sure if I will ever be able to love anyone the way I loved him. But as strange as it may seem; now that he is back, I don’t feel anything (nor am I happy or sad). I seem to have grown numb towards my own feelings I guess. I don’t feel the same way about him the way I used to. No way that I am going to rekindle our old relationship. Shame on me if I give him another chance to fool me twice. And most important of all..I don’t feel the same way about him no more. End of story! This is not even the point here. What’s bothering me is….
While he left me in misery, I felt all alone. Day and night I would question god for such injustice. I Interrogated lord for such unrighteous act of his. I thought I should get what I give. I give love and that’s exactly what I need. I pondered if there is anyone who knows how to love me the way I can love.
And guess what? I found someone new who knows how to love me just the way I used to love. Things that he says and all other things he does reminds me of how I used to be. He acts, his words, every other gesture of him remind me of me, and how I used to be. He is male image of myself lol! And coincidentally we share the same DOB (Haha), what could be weird than that? He is what my heart longed for but again, now that I’ve got what I always wanted. I lack the love or that feel towards him…. Despite him having all those characteristics that once I had longed for “I am not in love with him”.
I know not, how to deceive so I told him, I am not the one..But he only knows how to give and love unconditionally (Oh! he is how so typical me!)..His generosity and love instead of making me feel better its making me ill. I feel suffocated (I know that sounds selfish and rude but I am just being honest here)…
God is placing mirror right before me-“God must be saying –See! This is what u wanted and I gave it to you, so are you happy now?” eh ! Sometimes I don’t understand what is it that I really want?? I know (want and need) are two different things. Maybe what I need or what I wish for is not sth that I need! I ask for sth and the very moment I get it, I say “This is not I what I was looking for”.. I ask if that’s my fault, for not feeling the way I thought I should? What’s up with me? Am I growing inconsiderate day by day so that no love shit can hurt me again? IDK! Or maybe the love in me is lost. I did love once and as I failed …I lost it all-ALL @ ONCE !
This experience leaves me questioning why is that sometimes despite finding the right guy that you’ve always dreamt about, you don’t actually fall in love similarly, sometimes you tend to fall madly in love with the person who’s got all traits u have scorned all your life.
Love is ambiguous and will always remain an alien.Like everyone is curious about alien but still many doubts if they even exist…Love-It’s complicated and more you try to solve this riddle of love you are only likely to get winded up in its intense confusion. Love shall, is and will always remain a foreign land to me.