Tracing Tracks

Lockdown Diaries: Memories and more. Using songs to tell a story. Songs that once triggered strong emotions.

All matured, doing all things gown-up. How does your typical day during quarantine starts? Mine does with a work-out, meditation (a lot of it throughout the day), news, work, little breaks in-between followed by some more news. On what? Covid everywhere of course. Aight, give me a break! Its Saturday! And who says we’ve got time now? Holy $#!^ 24 hours isn’t enough to reminisce & day-dream 🤷🏻‍♀️ Dayum! 😉

Get ready! Coz I am about to take you all on a ride. All millennial (Gen Y), I am hoping you will enjoy the nudge. So, what are we waiting for? Let’s trace tracks shall we? Song tracks. Let’s unwind, rewind, reminisce good old memories for good. BTW did you know, certain sounds trigger strong emotions within us? Ok Enough talk. Lets proceed.

Its winter and the year is 2001. Back to school. IMAGINE THAT! Oh dear lord just look at you (then). Full of vigor & life abundant (not that you are any less now). A kiddo, but you think otherwise. In the name of cosmetics, trying out a watercolor lip gloss for the 1st time. Your favorite past time besides day dreaming is to cut magazines and create collage of favorite celebs. Also, of all your prized possessions which obviously you didn’t worked a penny for 🙃 is—A CD Walkman aka diskman. 🙆‍♀️ Of course, given the year. And damn your haunt for that jlo hat from Jenny from the block 🙃

Jennifer Lopez – All I Have (Video) ft. LL Cool J
Jennifer Lopez ft. Fabolous – Get Right

16 now, with it brought a lot of changes, but I couldn’t tell. Couldn’t help notice, others noticing. Most boys back in school had been acting weird lately no doubt. What was only visible to others, I was trying to figure out all by myself. Have I shed my old skin?

Dance club phase: Being in a rebellious age-group, all I wanted was to do everything I was asked not to. Felt like clubbing, bunking school, experience first hand what’s all that fuss around discotheque. Attended one and guess what? 😦 Accepted an offer from a guy (was cute alright) and agreed to dance. Here I was, or say there I was 😝…dancing with a complete stranger for the first time. Song, Dilemma by Nelly ft. Kelly Rowland reminds me of that moment. 🙈 Eww??? Ouch that hurt LOL. Anyways, getting back to tracing time through song (tracks). Few list below:

Without you by Mariah. Year? IDK. Probably, as early as I started conversing in English. Favorite song as a child. Ecoksins what a innate hopeless romantic old soul I was…i I’m? 🤔 Link in caption.

Mariah Carey – Without You

Ronan, oh boi! This dong, sang for the 1st time in-front of a class of all 7th graders. Validated since, ‘this girl as in me CAN SING 😉 Or so I think. 🙂

When you say nothing at all- Ronan Keating

Here comes Shania. Her songs gives me a country music vibe. All time favorite and two words again ’hopeless romantic’ or an optimist in love.

Shania Twain – From This Moment On

1st crush. Must have been around 11/12? Not sure. This song lingered for long. Who had I been crushing on? My own cousin :/

Mandy Moore – I Wanna Be With You

As a 12 year old, 1st time attempted to try for a creative contest and got lucky on B4U music show. Was announced a winner for my creative artwork I had sent through. My dong dedication was for the song titled ‘Lucky’ by Britney Spears 🙂

Britney Spears – Lucky

Comes Ms. Beyonce. My 1st girl-gang rehearsal for a school performance which never took place 🙃 but was fun rehearsing.

Beyoncé – Crazy In Love

The Corrs, as I was learning to dare make unpopular choices over pop-culture. Although slowly but steadily, was learning to dare have a voice of my own.

The Corrs – Breathless

Leona: First heartbreak song or was it? The lyrics was so beautifully written; I am thinking I might have fooled myself to be heart-broken for the sake to relate. 😆 Such a drama queen.

Leona Lewis – Bleeding Love

Lady Antebellum. Not a fan but this song reminds me, how naive, reckless and stubborn I was—self-sabotaging. Playing mind-games with myself “If I can’t have you I must have you but if you come back I don’t want you.” haha 😂

Lady Antebellum – Need You Now

2011: Got my heart-broken the 2nd-time-round. But know what? With my pattern when good gets going, then comes best 🙂 and it’s only getting better with time. More heatbreajs? Hell ya! Bring it on.

Adele – Someone Like You 

Ms Clarkson. Wearing my heart around my sleeve. Falling back gazillion times but getting back right up—STRONGER.

Kelly Clarkson – Stronger 

2012: Loved the year 2012! My lucky year. Was do much at peace with myself. No love – bullshit or any other life-drama. Just pure music and my musical taste was getting refined. Was at best, enjoying the calm after the storm.

Birdy – Wings 

2013: Same as 2012. Much at peace. Enjoying work life like never before. Soaking in every tune even at work and full of satisfaction and self contentment. 2013, enjoying and getting used to normalcy.

Emeli Sandé – Next To Me

2012- 15 went playful, calm and rather normal for someone who’s life was no less than a roller-coaster. But for how long would I be able to contain this calm? And just then 2016 happened. With it, the year brought lot of confusion, bad choices. However, by mid-year in ages felt the way I did. But for what? Nada! What was that feeling really? I till date haven’t been able to wrap my head around it.😏 Outcome? Unrequited Love! Lingering me with the following tracks for months.

A Great Big World, Christina Aguilera – Say Something
Jessie Ware – Say You Love Me 

2017: When I wanted to cut the noise in my head and shut the world out. Imagine Dragon it was.

Imagine Dragons – Natural

2019: Not love buteverything else. Started dancing with the ghost.

Sasha Sloan – Dancing With Your Ghost

Ms GAGA. Into this song lately, for no particular reason. Although the track dates back to 2018.

Lady Gaga – Always Remember Us This Way (from A Star Is Born)

2020 (Now, this very moment): Following covers lately. Realigning with my inner-peace, as my life unfolds to normalcy. I listen and listen some more, to the said and more to words I unuttered. As I heed, I heal—yet again. Setting free, all things that no longer serves my highest good.

Peter Katz – Halo (Beyonce Cover)

Thanks for visiting. Happy Reminiscing.

Amanush: Part III

My experience living in a rumored haunted house, part III. I am just saying as it is, not a believer…

It took me a while to even consider or begin writing this last chapter. Because sitting down to write required revisiting the past, which I was reluctant to. Anyhow, here I am, determined to finish what I had started.

A Quick Reminder

As far as my experience in the house, I was the last one to know. In fact, the day I actually found out was the day we left (briefly mentioned in Part I). And it was only after we left, we started contemplating and putting together all puzzles. So where do I begin? Let’s start with the …

Warning Signs

It must have been a week or two since we had moved in. Most of our household stuff lay disarranged. While I was at work, my mother was going back & forth setting the interior. Just then a man who appeared to be in his 50s approached her. He introduced himself as the owner of the property adjacent to the house we were renting. He in his rather dissatisfied tone told my mum, she should have at least consulted few neighbors prior to moving in. It seemed the man was trying to discourage mum or say, rather encourage her to shift back while it wasn’t too late. He wasn’t clear on the reasoning so this left her confused.

When I can home later that evening, mum shared the conversation she had with that man earlier that day. She already had too much to handle all on her own and surely, this half-baked information wasn’t helping. The above confrontation repeated which forced my mother to think. She wanted to speak to the landlord who was at the time travelling to US. Mum made several attempts but no response on the other end.

I recall, during those initial phases, most days I would come home only to see the same perplexed look on my mother’s face. With whatever little information my mum had shared, I thought that she was overreacting and there really was nothing to worry about. I tried consoling her, told her that man who seemed to discouraging us or rather encouraging us to leave, probably did so due to some rivalry they have among thseleves (who knows). I advised her to ignore the man and leave their matters to them.

Another Shock Wasn’t Too Far.

It must have been a month or two, we had visitors’­­–it was one of our cousins. Not sure what but sth happened to him that day. I was at work as usual. Later in the evening when I was parking, mum rushed to tell me what happened, she kept it precise with a straight face; although I couldn’t neglect the look she carried was of shock and disbelief at the same time.

It was only next day, she explained properly, she shared, she was in the kitchen and aunt was helping…then they heard a noise coming from the bedroom where my cousin was resting. I could see mum, she was short of words finding difficulty to express what she had witnessed. Our cousins whole body, she explains was literally shaking and pulled up an inch and dragged back a little like some invisible force bashing (for the lack of words). He was very cold and shivering, although it was summer. My mother and aunt they quickly grabbed some quilt and forced both their weight upon him but he didn’t stop shaking. They covered him up with a warm quilt and tried calming him down. She grabbed the phone for emergency but just then, his condition got a little better. This whole instance, mum explains, must have lasted for hardly 5 minutes but it felt so much longer–she adds.

Our cousin—a well-built full-grown man, when he regained consciousness—couldn’t withhold his tears. He wept like a child and told mum that he really thought, he was about to die. He further explained, he has never experienced such a thing in his entire life. Before leaving, he told mum that this house may not be suitable for us or anyone for that matter. Don’t know what made him say that, but he encouraged us to move to our own home (even if it was far) or ask our tenants to empty the apartment, if we must.

After hearing all this—my spontaneous response was, “has he had any illness or surgery just recently? Mum wasn’t sure. I then told her, “maybe he has…and this particular room is rather cold, you say it yourself as the water well is being dug right next to it. Although I do not know the nitty-gritty of it, just thought there must be some logic behind it.” And that’s that, there was no second guessing and we continued living as normal.

Little Nuisances

To go a little further, the very first day we moved in, as mentioned, we had most items lay orphaned between the entrance gate and the main door. Amid the act of shifting, we notice that most of our stuff got drenched by the overflow of water from the tank, which nobody acknowledged as their fault. Well, stuff like these happen (no big deal). However, my point is, looking back…the very 1st day in itself wasn’t welcoming. Although in our mind we felt welcomed (at least I did). This could be because I was desperately longing for change. A new career, moving home felt like one. So naturally I was inclined to believe that this is a fresh new start and a good one. Looking back, good or bad, who knows? Though, it was not nice that we had to experience all this in the first place but we are alive and in good health now; chased the light, and finally out of the long dark tunnel.

The above is just one, there were several little nuisances created every now and then but we never fixed our thought too long on any one particular thing. Thus, they were never that big an issue (at-least for the first few months). On the other hand, we had so many positive aspects to the house, the house was in a quiet place so we got goodnight sleep (or so with thought). There were no noises of nearby café’s or restaurants unlike when we used to live in Sanepa, which (was and is) a hotspot of ex-pats, cafes and fine dining—always bustling and we needed a break from it. Also, this house provided plenty of water, the entire house was to us, which we got at a very good deal and the rooms were nicely lit and spacious.

Death of a Landlord

A few months later, the house owner (uncle) along with his wife and son had arrived from US. They wanted to move-in upstairs although their old house was just across the road. Uncle, he had been sick for a while. Thus, they were seeking treatment in US. Shortly after they came back, his condition worsened. Prior to this they had never lived in this house, only provided on lease. Unfortunately, shortly after their arrival , we heard about the death of the landlord. His room was right above my mother’s bedroom, the same room where our cousin had gone through an unexplainable attack.

Sound of Silence: Revealed

The usual sound we used to hear late at night from one of those ECG monitors and those seemingly bubbling sounds from some respiratory devices were now gone. With my mum fast asleep in her room, that night after many nights I could distinctly hear—the sound of silence. At least I noticed the difference as most nights I would be awake up until late: either, working on my laptop, reading, or watching TV. Anyways, we only came to know much later that he (the landlord) wasn’t the first…to die in the house. There had been more deaths. Details about it in the next post.

P.S. Apologies for the delay and for extending the series to one more part. Kindly, requesting to bear with me. Until next time…

Foodie Talks: Detox Cafe

My review on a food and a cafe I just tried that deserved every penny I spent on it.

It’s that time of the month when all I think about is—food, food and some more food. Sweet, spicy, cheesy, deliciously mouth watering savory of all kind. If you couldn’t guess, I am referring to PMS cravings but this blog post isn’t about that 🙂

Well, this is rather a taste inspired blog 😉. Trust me, I wasn’t paid to review the meals from ‘Detox Cafe’ although I wish I was 😜

Although, I had been craving for those freshly baked dark chocolate, the cheesiest cheesecake in town and those dumplings drenched in luminous hot & spicy sauce; the same time I had been fighting hard to resist all these monthly cravings. I wanted to try my patience this time around so instead, I choose a healthy alternative and below is what I ordered:

My dinner has arrived 😋

1. Buckwheat Momo

Well, it tasted ok but I felt fuller a lot quicker and very satisfied—after. Often, we neglect this but it’s important we enjoy our food not only throughout the eating process but also right after having them. I could tell my guts were happy. I wasn’t craving for another meal until a few hours later…but no worries, I had ordered more JIC 🙃

Buckwheat Momo

2. Chickpeas Curry

This was served in this cute looking bowl. When I gave it a quick look, I had the least expectations from it but when I took a spoonful of these babies, instantly I was blown away. It had surpassed my expectations of-course. It had a taste that would awaken the taste buds of even those with low appetite. Now, do I sound dramatic? 😉 not my intention. No kidding, I was blown away by this particular one. Definitely a must-try.

Chickpeas Curry

3. Buckwheat Brownie

Not everyone would respond positively to this brown beauty because of its strong smell which is hard to neglect in your first bite, but it’s buckwheat, who are we kidding? You get what you ask for right? I admit, the smell is a little overpowering especially from the crust but the inside was so moist and fluffy.

Buckwheat Brownie

As I was enjoying my meal, I could feel the care and love that might have gone into preparing it. So much so that I couldn’t help think, ‘was I the only client of the day?’ That they took their sweet time to prepare a meal like they would prepare for a VIP or is it just that their food in general is of high quality at all times? Well, order for yourself to find out and do let me know your thoughts.

The only downside was, they were rather late to deliver. It took them 2h:45 m since I had placed an order. Nevertheless, to make-up for it, they called to inform about the problem they were facing I.e. issue with the delivery boy’s bike. Besides, it was such a sweet gesture that without me having to say much they apologized via personalized text. And “all’s well that ends well, right?”

Bottom line, I did not let my cravings have its way, yet I was satisfied. I tried ‘Detox Café’ for the first time and loved their food. Each one that I had ordered was worth every penny. I am considering exploring more from their menu. Also, I encourage all to opt for the healthy alternatives next time you place an order, even if it’s your cheat day or a PMS craving or Christmas Celebration or whatever else. Consider it and I bet it’ll be worth it. 🙂

Stay Safe & Happy Holidays

Amanush: Part 2

My experience spending 10 months in a rumored haunted house 🏚

House/ Home Haunted or Not

Late Nov 2019, we had shifted to a new place in Patan Lalitpur, Nepal. Our new home was an inviting bungalow with a garden. It was indeed an old house—renovated. Its exterior was bright and attractive. Built in 10 acre land its rooms were capacious and naturally lit. It had sufficient clean water supply which is a jackpot for anyone residing in Kathmandu. FYI, currently the entire house is on rent for only 45k NPR per month, also on sale for potential buyers. However, it’s downside, you’ll know as we go. Unfortunately, I cannot give away many details of the house as in its exact location because of various factors. However, having learned the lesson the hard way, I can only suggest considering consulting neighbors and to learn a little about the history of any place you are considering buying or renting.

Shield of Positivity

Everything was going hunky-dory until we’d shifted to this new house. In fact in 2019 we were all positive because we had all the reasons to be and more. For instance, after years of struggle we had helped secure our old property early on in 2019. My health, finance, family and work life was aligning smoothly as the months progressed. I had finally made-up my mind to join a new workforce—I was very much looking forward to it. I had bought a new vehicle to complement my new lifestyle thus enjoying my new-found freedom. Most importantly I had regained my health thus was bouncing with joy. Also, it had been 8 months since I’d completed inner engineering (IE) course from Isha Foundation. Therefore, in a way, positivity seemed to be oozing out of every cell in my body; no wonder whomsoever I met around the time only had praises for me. “You look good,” “Still so vibrant & young you are.” “Your face is literally glowing.” “Have you been working out? You look great.” “Your aura is something,” “I feel inspired talking to you.” “You are so optimistic.” “You’ll make a great motivational speaker,” etc. It may sound like I am blowing my own trumpet but those—not my words. 🙂

Our life was transitioning for the better. Thus, hardly any room for negativity. Most things were turning out in our favor thus we looked forward to embracing this change and welcoming 2020 with an open arms. We expected nothing but all great things moving forward but as they say, life never fails to surprise us all; we too had no clue what lay ahead.

Heath Recoup

In 2019, my hemoglobin was back to normal (12+), my thyroid doses were decreasing (which was a good news). I am mentioning these things, because its crucial part of how the story unfolds, from our highs in no time we were experiencing our lowest of lows since we shifted to this new location. As for my mother, she too was in a good health. More than anything, she was happy that things were going great for me. However, like I said, little did we except that we had to experience the things that we did months following December.

Whatever IT Was or Wasn’t

10 months (Nov 2019-Sep 2020), we had spent in the house; more so after mid match due to Covid-19. After having experienced all that we did, I’m still in dilemma. I don’t know whether to thank god for helping us fight this incomprehensible battle OR should I be sad that we had to experience all this in the first place.

I’ll be discussing in detail what we witnessed and the stories we heard from the neighbors in the last series of this blog (Part III). Expect a delay yet again because as I you are reading this blog and I had been compiling details we were in a process of shifting home—add COVID-19 restrictions which isn’t making things any easier.

Also, as difficult it is for us to acknowledge this new reality, it is what it is. Nonetheless, I thank each one of you for connecting (although virtually) and until next time, stay safe and remember, “sometimes even the space that we call our home—isn’t the safest.”

Amanush (अमानुष): Part I

amanush-meaning-something-that-one-cannot-explain-something-not-human-this-article-consists-facts-about-our-experience-however-none-of-it-makes-sense-to-the-rational-mind

Would like to forewarn, I will be completing this story in phases as part I, II and so on. I advise, please don’t even begin to read this article or it’s series if you are suffering from depression, anxiety, CVD or susceptible to any other vulnerability.

What you are about to read is no fiction or a promotional gimmick. Little to no attempt has been made to make this reading fun. In fact every word screams reality, emerging from first-hand experience and not the one you would want to experience yourself.

Home: Safe Haven or Is it?

Without a doubt this pandemic has impacted all living souls, and we were no exception. Since March 2020 like many others, we too have been spending a lot of time indoors. Home—supposedly the safest place on earth right? I thought so too but, is it? Seems, it wasn’t in our case.

While we were self-quarantined, maintaining social distance due to COVID-19, little did we know that some other parasite within the 4 walls had been sucking the life and blood out of us, slowly but gradually. BTW I am not referring to domestic violence; although that too has been an unfortunate reality for millions. Our case is different.

Knowledge: Empowering or Derailing.

Before giving away the details, let me briefly paint a picture of what happened the day when the truth was unveiled before me. It was Tuesday, Sep 22 2020. Was pouring rain 24/7. This day was unlike any other day because it’s rain with it brought to light some dark secrets.

From the moment I woke up, I was going about my day as usual. Having been Tuesday, I was fasting for Lord Shree Ganesha—The elephant God. Took shower, did my prayers followed by Shambhavi (meditation). As I was preparing to grab a meal, there was a knock on the door—we had visitors. It was my Aunt (my mother’s younger sister) and her son. I greeted her, we exchanged smile and I went on doing my own thing while she sat beside my mother and in no time was engrossed in a deep conversation.

Usually I let them be, no interference or involvement from my end but as I was doing the dishes I overheard something that instantly grabbed my attention. Heard something about basketball dribbling, and some things that the neighbors said. When my mum saw that I was taking notice, she tried to hush her up and abruptly changed the topic. This instilled more curiosity in me. It took some coaxing on my end before my aunt started spilling the beans. Surrendering, mum too shed some light on it.

As my mum let the cat out of the bag, I stood there—still, trying to grab every syllable and heed every word. It was as if, for a moment I froze or that the time stood still. I don’t know what expression I had been wearing on my face but it took me while to switch or respond.

While I was trying to soak-in all that my mum was sharing I was going back and forth to weird things from the past that I had experienced myself but I never held my though too long on those things so they didn’t bother me. Supposedly everything seemed normal up until that moment but upon close contemplation there was always sth off about the place. Suddenly, all weird phenomenon started making sense…actually it didn’t—it still doesn’t. Having lived in the place myself, I wasn’t completely denying what I was hearing but at the same time I wasn’t 100% sold on it yet.

Ignorance a Bliss

It’s weird how it took just one information to change the entire perception of how I was looking at things—now. It made me realize, how ignorant we had been—then.

If there’s such a thing as ‘hopelessly optimistic’ we were just that. Therefore, in constant denial. This only validates how fragile our so called ‘reality’ is. Just about anything can break it in no time. Ignorance in our case was truly a bliss.

However, I no longer had the privilege of being ignorant (knowledge took that away). Now, either I could use this new information, brush it off in disbelief or do sth about it. I chose the latter, if not for anything at least for a piece of mind.

It wasn’t a question of what I believed or disbelieved. At that moment all I could see was my mother and that she was unwell. My full of life, strong spirited mother was now suffering. I couldn’t negate the fact that day by day her health was deteriorating despite following up with the doctors and taking necessary medicines. And it took no expert to notice that it all started since we’d moved in 10 months back.

Deep down I knew, now is not the time to REACT but ACT. Next thing I know, I was packing, made few phone calls and sent a couple of text messages to close friends/family; not sharing any details, simply securing a safe place for the night. Considering COVID-19, we had to be extra cautious of our next move. Packed few essentials to get us both covered for a few days—couldn’t think beyond that. It was already late at night but we had to do what we had to. She hopped onto my Scooter, and we headed towards Sunakoti (mama Ghar).

While driving, I couldn’t help but think that all this was ACTUALLY happening; so unreal it seemed like a bad dream. Who knew? We had to experience such a thing in this lifetime. Life in that sense is truly mysterious. Whatever the thought, the fact was, we were out in the cold, driving at night amid the pouring rain, all drenched with cloud of questions hovering over our head, riding through the mismanaged roads, making our way towards a home away from home.

Just be…

Imposed lockdown or whatever, not a new thing for me. 🙂 Handling it superbly well as I have been practicing social distancing for years now. 3 years to be more precise.

Self-time, not an isolation; in fact an attempt to connect with the divine—within. Since a year now, I have been regularly practicing my Shambhavi Mahamudra. 2+ years since I started Isha Kriya, that which has done wonders for me. BTW it’s available for free on Sadhguru app. Perfect for beginners.

Rise & Shine
Source: Pinterest

All my life I have been known for my energy and vitality but 2017 with it, brought a lot of down-fall with health challenges (physical and mental). But with all due respect I say, this wise-young-man #Sadhguru 🙂🙏came to my rescue. Got introduced to his quirky outlook towards life and tools for healing and self-transformation. All through his YouTube videos (first introduced to me by my elder sister). Since then, my life hadn’t been the same. Well, I don’t 100% agree with everything he says but I can’t seem to get enough of him. You know what they say about death? Allows rebirth…in a way I felt the same after having been through that phase in my life. As Sadhguru says, ’Death isn’t bad, infant it’s the only thing that has added value to life.’ Indeed.

With time, as I continued my Isha Kriya with warm winter sun, my body slowly and eventually started regaining its vitality. Only those who experience the fall, first hand can truly relate to what I am trying to decipher here, no exaggeration but honest truth. How am I now? V well! Better than ever before. During my low phase, at one time, I hardly had the motivation and energy for 5 minutes yoga, but what started off as 15 minutes kriya slowly was increased to 30 minutes, than 45 minutes and to an hour. Also, since I got my energy back, have added kickboxing to my daily routine. 🥊 🥊 🥊 You surely don’t want to mess with me 😉 but cardio it is. 🙃

What-else? I meditate—a lot. Sitting in a cross legged posture with a slightly upturned face, and eyes closed has become a way of life now without which my day feels incomplete. Also, been a while i’ve been practicing gratitude. What’s that? Well, just be genuinely thankful for everything you’ve got, also those you don’t.

Everyday, as I wake-up, and before every meal and right before bed—I thank the divine (source of creation) for everything. I thank the inner God within me for all the blessings bestowed upon me and more so for all the hurdles (things / people) and circumstances. That which has helped me in my becoming. Overall, I thank the divine for simply being an invincible force in my life—guiding me.

Take this time as your opportunity to shine. Nothing particular to do? Great! Isn’t it? I don’t get what are most complaining about? What bad time instead see clearer skies. Also, I hear that Peacock🦚 are out dancing in the streets? Imagine that…😃 same roads that otherwise used to be jam-packed with traffic. I hear morning chirps of birds louder and melodic 😊

However, we cannot discount the fact that covid-19 has been unfortunate for many. Especially those who lost their loved ones. This solitude has definitely come at tremendous cost. Confirmed cases of covid worldwide is over a million (as of today) and still counting. Furthermore, it has slowed down our economy but you think again…haven’t we—as humans, caused 10X more damage to mother earth and all other creatures for centuries? All in the name of human advancement? God know how much damage we’ve caused as humans and who has kept accurate track of it. Anyhow…

Home 🏡 a safest place on earth, but since when did we started feeling imprisoned in our own home? If what’s suppose to liberate—suffocates, one needs to check what is it that needs correction. One’s thoughts and actions? In fact all one needs to do to rectify is—do nothing. Nothing particular to do; simply be. Let alone this quarantine, if you ask me; honestly 24 hours of self-exploration isn’t enough. Seems, one lifetime won’t be either.

So now that we have the time; which most of us have always been complaining about. Make the best out of it. Whatever got you here (a virus in this case) 😉 🙆‍♀️ important thing is, you are here. Next is what? Practice doing NOTHING and take a moment or two to simply be. You’ll be surprised how little you know about yourself and the world you live in. Also, you’ll realize what little we need to be happy.

Happy Being! $hri§T

Covid: Are we the victim or responsible?

Covid 19: Whats happening and why is it happening? Are we victim or responsible? Now that you’ve finally got the time #reflect.

Riots for good or no reason from rewriting legislation to water scarcity. Too much noise since…and now this silence (imposed that is)

People with surgical masks in the conference room, locals requiring permit for a walk in a nearby park, and a good enough reason for people wanting to spend/shop using their own money…Surreal but mostly weird and the fact that its happening. 😔

Source: WHO

High time we humans, reflect on our actions and it’s consequences. Just saying, take this as a sign from #MotherEarth—she who demand that our reckless behaviors be put to a halt followed by necessary corrections.

Not necessarily with a bad intention, but we humans, in the name of advancement and economic growth, have caused more damage than any good. Really, if there is no today, how can there possibly be future? In other words, if this is today with 7.7 B imagine the future? Will there be any worth living?

Not every disaster comes with a warning but they leave behind a tremendous lesson to be learnt. So, if not now when will we reflect?

Stay safe and #reflect! Now that you have the time to. $hri§T

Wordplay & Reality

This post is inspired by and the continuation from this post from 9 years back. Did it take 9 years to compose new? Nope! But from all things learned, now seems about right–to share. So here we go and pardon me scoffing and kindly bear with my queries.

Photo courtesy: steemit

Can art be a commercial success or only success defines what’s art?
Emotions sell, so in a union, you find a trusted ally, a spy, trade, or a trade-off?

So generous! A glass of raining champagne for all? But what’s the occasion? Who or what got sold to get you where you are today?

Chivalrous eh? Does that extend beyond women and your selfish motives? Oops! I dare not judge by the way you gently treat her, but the way you treat the less fortunate.

Deep pockets but why a soul so shallow?
Big dreams but a heart so small?

Tolerant with boss and patient at work but not so at home?
At home, they tolerate you because they love you but…do you? 

Make space for new but discard the old? Your new love, life, career, and a child on its way, but you on your way to an old age home?
   
Aw, you love me? OR perhaps, it’s just the hormones?
Want to extract, get as much as you can and give–none.

Do as you wish but don’t get caught and there you have a well-bred society? Barely full-fledged human but oh so civil…?

Ripping off what belongs to nature– of course, you are the land-LORD. Whoever accumulates more plays god?  

How well you sell, sails you big time. Go on…trade other’s emotions, that sells too and at any given day.

We’re all selfish at times and we have the ability to be kind too. We ‘re all good with a fair share of bad, all within us. But you know, you get what you extract. What you feed grows. You decide…you do and you get. I am working on my vices with an attempt to minimize it as much as I can. I hope to inspire at least one if not all to do the same.  



Those 6 letter word – Part II

This blog is a continuation of Those 6 letter word – Part I

Now, let’s refer to ‘they’ as ‘he’ because ‘he’ is a true story. Well, so are ‘they’ but let’s just talk about him.

He says one thing but his actions contradict. He loves (I know) but his compulsive need to go with the crowd is sth he can’t get rid of and I can’t live with. ‘The others’ he refers to time and again…I used to think about if ‘they’ really exist? Unfortunately, they do. Like those grit in grain stuck like a bone to a flesh–not mine but his. Their thoughts, their views makes no difference to me, but it seems to him it does. He may not believe them, but whether or not he trusts me is rather obscure. He loves me but he cares what ‘the others’ say.  He confesses, but only when no one is listening. As they appear I seemingly appear invisible to him.

I’ve seen him helpless without me but I know he is miserable with me. He cries when I leave and insists that I come back but when I finally do, he doesn’t hold tight–rather easily let go. I know for a fact, that’s not what he intends to, but too sad he does nothing about it.

It is exhausting having to explain yourself every moment coz no matter what you do, it is never enough or not good enough for ‘them’ that he is referring to as ‘the others.’ So every time I come back, I leave as soon as I do. There were a few moments when I wanted him to say ’stay’ and I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to, but he did not. He doesn’t always have to say to express, but sometimes he must. He needs to show it, say it and say it out loud.

Rather than living together in misery and creating a whole fuss for people around us, who isn’t too keen about the idea already, my decision back then was clear. I would rather stay apart and alone than together and hurt. I am not sure if he realizes this yet, but every time I’d left, it was for him more than for me. And each time I came back it was less for me but more for us.

He is the first person I loved so much as a child…but today, can’t say the same. There is no doubt I still love him and I genuinely care, but not the most. Above all, he has someone who fills in the blank but the blank that he has left in our lives can never be fulfilled. Coz a child may happen more than once but a begetter happens only once.

Life works in mysterious ways. Until and unless one has learned their lesson, life keeps slamming similar situation at your face. And like Sadhguru says, right things will not happen to you unless you do the right thing. So, if you want to change sth, first YOU have to change. Can’t be doing the same thing but expecting different result right? You all know it, the definition of insanity by Albert Einstein.

So what do I do differently this time? Running away from your problems is not the solution of course but would you stay in a place where every moment you are reminded you are unwanted? Let’s shift our focus from the place we run from towards the place we run to. I’ve realized I tend to stay longer or return to a place as quickly as I leave if and only if I feel wanted. Love may or may not be there, understanding and compatibility may or may not exist, but if the people of that place says and shows, they need me—I stay. It’s essential, at least for me it is. A place where you feel uninvited, where you get a feeling of an intruder or worst, a guest in your own home? Trust me, the feeling from the latter is more heart-wrenching.

So this time, the way IN is if I become so stubborn that I decide to stay no matter what OR he decides to take a strong stand for whatever he truly believes in. Not sure about him, but as for me, the same rule applies. Same goes for work or any space for that matter. That’s why I often say, I love so much even to the point of letting go and leaving if need be. My idea of true love is to free (whoever needs to be freed) or simply flee. So the tragedy here is, not love or lack of it, but everything else…

He loves and loves so much, but that’s all he knows.
But love alone isn’t enough. To be together, you need more.
Understanding, respect, support to name a few,
But with time came differences and the distance only grew.

You don’t necessarily have to share a roof to be a ____.
You don’t have to be living together to show you care.
I am not there and he is never here but he is as much a part of me as I’m a part of him
This is the truth that remains unchanged and it need not be stressed.

I want you to know, in spite of the circumstances and the distance. Love shall always remain love. And I shall always care: I did, I do and always will. ‘They’ that you cite every now and then might be with you and I may not. Who is closer you ask? You know! You should know what’s a part is never apart and I am a part of you which even you cannot ignore. It’s about time we acknowledge, it’s the roots that bind us together, not the fruits.

Why fruits? You told me they told you I’m selfish, but why does it matter? Coz of all, you know what the truth is, they don’t. The full story of you & I, no one else knows it better than you and me. Not that I will but I rather starve myself to death than, approach you for selfish reasons. Or anyone for that matter. Yes, I can get as stubborn as you. Self-respect above all else.

Does it still matter what they say or think? If it does, I see no point why I should be there. I have lived half my life without you, I could do the same for whatever breath remains. Not that I wish to, but…

Today, the time has brought me back to a place I’d left behind. Really, it’s only a matter of time when any unfinished business demands your attention. What’s left in tatters needs to be at least picked if not fixed. I am scared as hell as ever, but I have come to do what I can, with the best of my ability in the given situation.

I’ll be there if you want me to, but whether I stay is up to you, like always. I have issues I am willing to work on, but you’ve got to work on yours too. Also, you must stop blaming destiny for setting us apart, because you know we have the power to change our destiny.

When we say KARMA, that after all is just a consequence of our action, isn’t it? You may think what they want you to think but THINK again, what you do, how you choose to act or react is entirely up to you. They can’t make you do things. So, let’s try and at least do things right this time?

Those 6 Letter Word – Part I

There is love & plenty, and I’m definitely not someone who hesitates to show love or say it out loud. But, if I do…might follow the dots to witness it connecting to a bitter past. It’s infuriating, how one can get enslaved by all those emotions once shook us as a child or a teenager. Got nothing to do with age but the intensity and magnitude with which one felt it. These obnoxious feelings unfailingly trigger the same rush in the blood when placed in a similar situation. Just when I think I’ve overcome those feelings–they return. I wish I didn’t have to deal with it or could get rid of it once and for all.

All unwanted emotions, erased at the touch of a button. Wouldn’t that be great? Unfortunately, that’s not the reality for most of us. Many of us live with some scars left from the past which bleeds once in a while. But again, I think it’s ok, as long as they do not overwhelm. We could use those as teachings or a gentle nudge for what not do and how not to be. It’s all good, as long as we use them to our benefit when we need it and keep it aside when we don’t. It is crucial we don’t forget the past lessons, but what is more important is not to allow the past to ruin the present. Something I am learning to tackle, though slowly and steadily I am getting there.

How I might be feeling right now, if it is somehow connected to the strings of the past, it helps to acknowledge that which is not. That is nothing but an illusion–your mind’s own making. And our mind is capable of creating almost about anything. From sth that may lead to a miracle OR towards a disaster.

Despite knowing all the right things, sometimes I fail to practice it. I know, there is no reason for me to hold back, to show the love to those who really need it, especially if they are someone I genuinely care about, but I hesitate. The answer lurks in the past; I do not wish to revisit but it came right at me–couldn’t avoid it.

Shouldn’t I take this as an opportunity to right my wrong from the past? But wait, some part of me thinks in fact I know, I did nothing wrong yet I was smashed. Is this my alter ego or the truth? The fact of the matter is, I am afraid, of the probable consequence, of what ifs. The result, not that of the future but WHAT IF it’s one from the past? The fear of having to go through what I’d once experienced. Something that I would not want to go through it again. It’s like the juxtaposition of the conscious reality of today but the overpowering emotions of yesteryears. It is too complicated to put it in words simply.

Challenges should always be dealt with like as if they are NEW coz they are. But why does this feel like a déjà vu? It steers the same emotions from the past, and the image so vivid that it feels like that which happened years ago is actually happening right now. And the worst feeling is, you think you know how this is going to end, not in your favor of course. “I know this is not real,” says the head but now, who’s going to convince those emotions who isn’t ready to hear but act. I hear my emotions scream, saying, “I held no bad intention but was misunderstood…when all I wanted was home, was shown the way out…when all I knew was to love but ALL that I was accused of…and more.”

Sometimes, your ability to love too much and being sensitive toward the life energies around you–work against you. Some people say, “this is a gift from life, you should nurture it.” Right! But only when one learns how to do just that. The process of learning to handle it right in itself seems one hell of a roller-coaster. Its life in the making, YOU, to help you evolve into your higher self(?/!)Not sure, but whatever…

It has been more than a decade now. Things have changed, people have changed, I have too, but these feelings. As much as I am aware of these emotions being nothing but the hazy image of the ghost from the yesteryears. Unfortunately, not every cell in my body is convinced with this fact. Thoughts persuade, but emotions persists. Coz I do NOT what I think, but how I feel.

Let’s try and tackle the ‘what if(s) one by one for how it was then and how it is now. First in the list from one of my thing of the past was, ‘what if I love but they don’t love me back?’ Today, this seems irrelevant coz I have no expectations from anyone and least of all from those I really care about. When you are terrible with numbers, I have realized its best to keep transaction free.

The second what if that has lead to a self-created misery is, ‘I love so much that it hurts.’ Well, not anymore. This is sth I learned recently. Seriously, how can one be in love and hurt at the same time? That self-created misery is only possible if the love you are offering is some kind of a deal, in exchange for sth else. If its a deal it ain’t love, at least not for me. And above all, no more a fool to exchange sth so precious I have for sth that could dissipate, most likely in a black hole. When you know you are full of love, so much capable of loving, giving and creating pleasant emotions within, why exchange it for anything else right? It took me a couple of heartbreaks to realize this, but now I know the joy of driving in a one-way street. On full speed, so much fun and is safe too. No! Not taking you on a ride. The third, fourth and fifth what if(s) are:

– Do they want me as much as I want them?
– I want to take care of them but do they want to be taken care of…by me?
– He says he loves me, but I know he is better of without me.

Well, these trios are the main cause of the dilemma that I am in. Thus, I hold back, to give the love that I have coz they need it but not sure if they need it from me.

These are not mere literations, but real life experiences that are using words as a medium to express and heal. These are not years of feelings but feelings in years, deeply rooted yet revisiting the surface.

Ok, let’s put a series to this post? I am just playing lazy lately and/or too busy juggling.

Here’s the link to part II (final).